(*trigger warning*)

Never ignore your first instinct just because it isn’t what you want to believe

-Unknown

As I reflect on Mr. Perfect’s and my relationship, I recall the many red flags I ignored for a few different reasons. I ignored them because I wanted to believe he wasn’t “that guy”, because of all the things he would say to me like I was his one and only and he thought everyone else was gross, because I was scared to cause unnecessary drama, and because I was petrified to confirm my instincts were right.

Here are some of the red flags I remember:

2 weeks after we started dating he told me he hates it when people just stop by his house unexpectedly. AKA – don’t do that. I was like…hmmmm…why is this something that needs to be said?

He would always turn or go away from me when he would text and it always bothered me, but I never brought it up.

He would call me everyday at 4:00pm and then again at 9:00pm, but there were nights he would warn me he wasn’t going to call because he was going to bed early. Sometimes he just wouldn’t call because he said his phone died (even though he was home or in a hotel for work).

I never once met anyone from his work and never attended a work function or holiday work party. I always joked that he must be embarrassed of me, but now I know it was because he had acted out or was acting out with a lot of women from work.

I drove home from work once and saw him parked around the corner from our house talking on the phone.

His reaction when The Elder called him and her name and number showed up on the Bluetooth display in his SUV. He sold the SUV shortly after and bought a basic car without a Bluetooth.

In July 2014 The Big Greek enrolled Mr. Perfect in a race with others from their networking group. I excitedly told him the girls and I would wait at the finish line, but he immediately said no he didn’t want that.

In August 2014 my black flip flops were replaced with a mystery pair of black flip flops at our back door. He said he had no idea whose they were.

In December 2015 we received an anonymous Christmas postcard from Hawaii in the mail addressed to Mr. Perfect. When I asked him who it was from he said probably a guy from his networking group. I questioned if a man would take the time to send a postcard and he admitted no, probably not, but he didn’t know who it was from. After the full disclosure he told me that he never forgot the look on my face when I asked him who it was from. I saw on Facebook that The Big Greek was in Hawaii that Christmas but he said he never asked if it was her.

Since the beginning he had control over when we had sex and how often. As time went on the frequency became less and less and would only be if I initiated (and if he didn’t reject me). I would ask him if there was something wrong – was it me? Is he masturbating and/or watching porn instead? He always said he loved our amazing sex, and no, masturbating is not something he did. There must be something going on I thought, he is a very healthy young male and he’s ok with having sex once every 3 weeks if I initiate? We had his testosterone levels checked – all normal.

He was often in a state of anxiety and emotional turmoil and could be moody and aloof – why?

During the 5th break-up in April 2016, my gut became extremely uneasy because the reason he gave for the break-up was lack of sexual chemistry. Based on what had been going on with our (lack of a) sex life, and the fact that he started going out often to hockey games with guys I had never heard of, weekend golf trips with guys I had never heard of, to “Chris’s house” for BBQ’s whom I had never heard of or met, and all of the answers to my questions over the years regarding the frequency of our sex life (hello I did’t think he even thought about sex?!) I started checking his underwear. I would see evidence of the white snail trail of pre-and post ejaculation. For the reasons I listed above in my first paragraph, I didn’t question him about this until August 2016 when seeing the amount of what was in his underwear on an almost daily basis was too much anxiety to bear any longer. He surprised my daughters and I with a weekend away in August to a small mountain town about 3 hours away (now I know it was so that he could act out with The Big Greek). I left his crusted underwear face up as if that was how he left it. When I came home from the weekend getaway I walked by the underwear and questioned him about it. He initially said it was nothing but when he realized I would not let it go, he finally admitted to masturbating at work. Why? He said he was thinking about me which I told him was a lie because he could have the real me but he never wanted to have sex and constantly rejected me.

In September 2016 he started to become much more attentive and loving, wanted to spend time together and was home all the time. The change in his behavior was a red flag because I was convinced he was being more attentive so I would forget about what I saw in his underwear.

In October 2016 he was gripped with anxiety, so much so he decided to take my advice and see his Dr. about seeing if medication would help. He went on Anti-Depressants and said I deserved so much better than how he had been. This was also the month he got busted by the Elf and Mrs. First Name Only. They were friends and as women do, they talked. They confronted him because he was acting out with both of them (and unknown to them, others as well).

In November 2016 he came home from work with a white crusty middle finger. I pointed out the crusty finger when I saw it as he was rubbing his hands together in anticipation of the dinner I was cooking because it smelled so good. Even at the time I wondered if he had been fingering a woman, but then dismissed it telling myself no one would be so stupid to not wash.

In December I found a long black curly hair on the floor in our room and a black pubic hair in the toilet which I knew wasn’t mine (because I’m blonde). I became very anxious but told myself it could have been one of Miss Strong-Willed friends hair who was at our house that day (who has long black hair).  Mr. Perfect met The Big Greek, who has black curly hair, in a networking group in October 2013 and their meetings were 2 blocks away from our house every Wednesday morning. To this day, he swears no one was ever at our house. I don’t believe this because of the location of their meetings being so close to our house, the flip flops, the hair, and the postcard. Dr. Feelgood said that it is possible that he never took anyone to our house, but that I should 100% believe my gut.

Seeing his reaction from looking at his email notifications on December 31, 2016, and then knowing I needed to read his emails.

The printed phone list with all of those women’s names.

Of course, all 5 of the breakups.

Remembering all of these red flags makes me so angry at myself for not listening to my gut and question him.

I will NEVER, EVER, ignore my gut again. Present day, if I have a gut instinct or feel uneasy about something, I immediately bring it up to him. Hindsight is 20/20.