I had been struggling the last couple of days, not for any particular reason other than spiraling due to thoughts about what Mr. Perfect did in the past.
Mr. Perfect today is for the most part, perfect. He attends weekly 12 step meetings and will be presenting his 1st step in front his group in the next couple of weeks, he is focused on his mental health, he plans dates and initiates sex, he comforts me most of the time if I tell him I’m struggling. He has a lot of anger, shame and guilt about what he did, so most of the time if he sees I’m struggling, he tries to be extra sweet instead of asking me if I’m ok to avoid talking.
We previously made a commitment to talk about day to day stuff when we went to bed, not necessarily about “the thing” as we call it, but just to connect when it is just the 2 of us. We were laying in bed last night both looking at our tablets; he, to avoid talking about how much pain he caused, and me to avoid looking at him.
When I struggle, I can’t see anyone other than the man who completely devastated me and I go into a downward spiral of despair (that I have not figured out how to get out of on my own yet). As we lay there, each in our own worlds avoiding the purple elephant, I mentioned that we should talk and connect. He asked how I was doing and after 2 days of struggling, I couldn’t speak and started crying. Once I caught my breath, I told him I was scared I wouldn’t be able to forgive and move forward with him. He cried and said how sorry he was and if he could take it back a million times, he would. I told him all of the things that hurt me – how he came home to me after being with them and would kiss me, how he would put his underwear with their “stuff” on it in the laundry with my daughters clothes, how he said he wouldn’t care if I had sex with other men, how he didn’t have any motivation to improve our relationship, and all the lies and deceit.
When I tell him this list of daily thoughts that anger and hurt me so much, he has such mental and physical shame and guilt that he covers his face with his hands and it is hard not to have compassion for him. He tried to end his life due to the overwhelming anxiety, shame and guilt because of the way he had been living. He hates talking about “the thing” because he can’t believe what a monster he was. He tells me the monster died in that hotel room the night he took 400 pills. He is truly and utterly disgusted with himself and has so much sorrow for my pain.
As soon as we talked I felt better and we had sex, we felt so close and connected. As I was driving to work I questioned why I need to talk about the past and go over what he did. I realize that when I go into the despair spiral I only see the monster and the enemy that hurt me. But when we talk I begin to see the man who was broken, hurting, trying to feel better – the human. The things he says makes me feel better and loved.
Talking allows me to unwind and see a glimpse of the man I first fell in love with.
I asked him to remind himself of this the next time he know’s I’m struggling, and to ask me what’s wrong, because I just need a little glimpse.
Healing from Sex Addiction 