In my previous post about what PTSD feels like for me I mentioned it doesn’t happen as often or as severely anymore, and I figured out what has changed in me. Tomorrow marks 4 years since DDay #2 and his suicide attempt. It was undoubtedly the worst day of my life so far, and I pray nothing ever tops it.
THEN: 4 years ago I dissected every single thing he said, I took a magnifying glass to everything we did over our 7 years (at the time) together, I searched every pocket and nook and cranny for evidence of what he did and with whom, I searched bank records, phone records, Facebook pages, tried to piece every single moment of our lives together to try and figure out how he could do what he did, RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE, for as long as I knew him (makes sense I guess as there was no noticeable change in his behavior; he behaved how he always did). I scrutinized his body language, how he blinked and breathed when he answered my questions, analyzed why he was so mad at me asking, threw away every single pair of underwear and any duffle bags he used to pack for his weekends away with them. I cursed at the beautiful farm kitchen table he made for me as he made it while he ended our relationship to be with someone else (the table is long gone from this house), I tossed our bedroom furniture and mattress.
I investigated like the FBI and had my gun drawn because I was scared to round any and every corner. I searched for evidence of anything new, possibly daily, for probably a good 2.5 years. I even learned where some of the other women hung out and went there just so I could see what their allure was (ok, and also hopefully to get a throat punch in).
The next 1.5 years I was pissed. Truly enraged and devastated over what he did to me and us. But not having to be as hypervigilant or an FBI Agent allowed me time to observe the many positive changes he made, and allowed me to slowly let my guard down more and more.
NOW: 4 years later and I have some evidence under my belt to prove that he is not doing anything wrong now (with other women anyway ;)). I don’t dissect or search. I’m no longer hypervigilant there is more to come out that will destroy me. He has 100% proven to me that he loves me and treasures our life together and treats me literally like a Princess. Imagine waking up to a cup of coffee made with exactly the right amount of cream and cinnamon sprinkled on top waiting for you on the coffee table beside the cold leather couch he covers up for you every morning with Sherpa blankets so you don’t feel the cold leather on your legs after coming out of your warm and cozy bed…yes – this is what I get every single morning – oh, and a perfectly clean kitchen with all dishes washed and away…oh and I have yet to empty the dishwasher in the last 4 years. He will rush home mid errand, and run a Starbucks hot chocolate to me in my home office just so the whipped cream doesn’t melt, and then leave to finish the errands. Openness and talks about his and our past. Affection and intimacy. Vulnerability. And so much more – literally, living the dream here.
I’m aware he is just treating me now how he always should have, but I will admit that (and trust me, I NEVER thought I would get to this point – EVER) I don’t know that he and I (knowing who we were when we met) would be where we are and feel as connected as we do, without him doing what he did.
I’m no longer searching for anything new, I no longer want to see them (although I mentioned to him the other day that if we ever did see one of them, I would just laugh at them even thinking they could take my place – and I would laugh at him too for doing what he did with who would be standing before me).
I’ll just say this – the 4 years I described above were the worst 4 years of my life. But let me also say I grew more as a person than I ever have in my entire life.
There is a storm, and then there is a calm – and it will either be because of you leaving and making a better life for yourself, or giving your spouse a chance to prove to you their true intentions and let them do whatever it takes to prove to you that you are their woman – and a woman they don’t ever want to live without.