I hate these triggers. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for how they make me feel, and then how I feel about my reactions and behaviours.
Mr. P is applying for a job (that he retrained for all on his own, which is amazing) after being off for a year due to a mental breakdown. One of the contractors wants to meet Mr. P, and so Mr. P came home after a haircut this morning and told me he is meeting this contractor on Wednesday at Second Cup.
“Why Second Cup?” I asked?
“I don’t know, easy for him and I to get there location wise.” he replied.
“Hmmm, ok.” and I turned to my computer screen and continued working.
Mr. P was a member of a business networking group before the disgusting truth came out of how he had been fucking a bunch of other women. The rules of engagement of this group is that every member must have a meeting with the other members, one on one – and Second Cup is where he chose to meet one of his whores before they started their relationship. He was so awful to me and my children during this affair. He left me after being so cold and cruel by telling me he didn’t feel we had chemistry (which was a total shock) after I asked him what was going on with him because he was never home and when he was, we were all on eggshells. He also blamed his unhappiness on my oldest daughter who was 18 at the time for her being – well – a normal teenager. 3 days later he called me crying and begged for my forgiveness and so I let him come back, but after he came back he was even more awful and so I would tell my daughters to behave and just do as they were told etc. I don’t even want describe it in detail anymore because I felt I have made strides to let it go, but when I think about that time as I am right now, it is like it is actually happening now. That period of time was so painful that I am bawling and shaking as I type this. I am so disgusted and angry with myself that I instructed my amazing girls to behave so he would just stay and be happy. It just makes me want to run and start over.
Anyway, within 5 minutes of hearing Second Cup, I became a total bitch and began criticizing him for what he was eating for lunch (the exact same thing he ate for breakfast), nagging that he made a mess on the stove, over cooked the eggs, that I put in SO much effort into our meals (that are now vegetarian because that is what he wants to try and I do it to support him), and he can’t even cook something different for lunch from breakfast??!!…you know, the bitter snark betrayed women exude once triggered.
Within 5 minutes I apologized for how I was behaving and told him the whole Second Cup thing triggered me, and he reached out to touch me and I asked him not to. I again apologized for my behaviour, but I was triggered.
I hate when I act like this, I really hate it. I get so worked up and become someone I hate.
How does this behaviour end? Or is this just me?