Those oh so lovely little Triggers

I hate these triggers. Hate isn’t even a strong enough word for how they make me feel, and then how I feel about my reactions and behaviours.

Mr. P is applying for a job (that he retrained for all on his own, which is amazing) after being off for a year due to a mental breakdown. One of the contractors wants to meet Mr. P, and so Mr. P came home after a haircut this morning and told me he is meeting this contractor on Wednesday at Second Cup.

“Why Second Cup?” I asked?

“I don’t know, easy for him and I to get there location wise.” he replied.

“Hmmm, ok.” and I turned to my computer screen and continued working.

Mr. P was a member of a business networking group before the disgusting truth came out of how he had been fucking a bunch of other women. The rules of engagement of this group is that every member must have a meeting with the other members, one on one – and Second Cup is where he chose to meet one of his whores before they started their relationship. He was so awful to me and my children during this affair. He left me after being so cold and cruel by telling me he didn’t feel we had chemistry (which was a total shock) after I asked him what was going on with him because he was never home and when he was, we were all on eggshells. He also blamed his unhappiness on my oldest daughter who was 18 at the time for her being – well – a normal teenager. 3 days later he called me crying and begged for my forgiveness and so I let him come back, but after he came back he was even more awful and so I would tell my daughters to behave and just do as they were told etc. I don’t even want describe it in detail anymore because I felt I have made strides to let it go, but when I think about that time as I am right now, it is like it is actually happening now. That period of time was so painful that I am bawling and shaking as I type this. I am so disgusted and angry with myself that I instructed my amazing girls to behave so he would just stay and be happy. It just makes me want to run and start over.

Anyway, within 5 minutes of hearing Second Cup, I became a total bitch and began criticizing him for what he was eating for lunch (the exact same thing he ate for breakfast), nagging that he made a mess on the stove, over cooked the eggs, that I put in SO much effort into our meals (that are now vegetarian because that is what he wants to try and I do it to support him), and he can’t even cook something different for lunch from breakfast??!!…you know, the bitter snark betrayed women exude once triggered.

Within 5 minutes I apologized for how I was behaving and told him the whole Second Cup thing triggered me, and he reached out to touch me and I asked him not to. I again apologized for my behaviour, but I was triggered.

I hate when I act like this, I really hate it. I get so worked up and become someone I hate.

How does this behaviour end? Or is this just me?

18 thoughts on “Those oh so lovely little Triggers

      1. WOW. This post resonated with me PERFECTLY. One of my triggers is hearing my husband refer to my breasts as “titties”. One of the messages I found of his I guess “sexting affair” was him asking this broad how her titties were sitting. GROSS. But something that may seem so irrelevant to others is such a huge trigger to me. I’ll find myself bitching at everything in that moment. The apartment a mess, his dirty clothes left on the floor, the current bill that’s soon coming due. I HATE the way triggers make me feel I hate that I let them have that much power over my mood. Some days I’m able to block them out but boy when I feel them watch out man! He’ll try to understand, say he’s sorry and try physical touch but then that triggers me even more because I am already pissed! :/ this week my triggers have been my dreams. I have reoccurring dreams of him cheating on me and it’s so haunting and has almost given me ptsd. Does anyone else have dreams that don’t help the healing process?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh yes, I completely understand. I have PTSD and now have insomnia for the last 4 years, almost like I’m afraid to fall asleep. I take medical marijuana oil and night and that’s the only way I can sleep.

        I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can tell you at 4 years in, I don’t have those gripping nightmares often anymore, and if I do dream about it it’s disturbing but not the fight/flight/freeze feeling anymore (it’s more of a “what a loser he WAS” mode)

        Like

  1. You absolutely are not alone. I do it a lot less than I used to, but it still happens. For me it seems to flare where there is an issue I haven’t worked through or where there is unresolved anger (on my part). Sometimes I can intellectually understand a trigger, but not really have delved into how that trigger makes me feel or what the trigger sets off inside me. Once I explore those things the trigger usually looses a lot of its power and I can handle it without snark. (Yeah, it might earn an eye roll 🙄or a stink eye 😠, but the snark disappears.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes exactly, for me I think it’s that I lose it probably because I haven’t told him “that” triggers me, and once I tell him I can handle it again in the future. When I say “talk”, yesterday that meant “both of us losing our shit”. I was enraged, and that triggered him back into protect mode and no answers were given and then we go into “why are we even together??”.

      I know better than this, but when it’s happening it’s like I go into hulk mode.

      We talked it through and we both feel awful about both of our behaviours (his past, and my present).

      Liked by 1 person

  2. When you stop fighting those times. You have to let them arrive, sit with them, have a cup of coffee and a chat, and let them decide on their own to leave. You get triggered by an external event and then beat yourself up for your internal reaction which creates that awful feedback loop you can’t get out of.
    Give yourself permission to be hurt all over again. To be triggered. Give yourself space and time for it. There’s no timeline, there’s no room for “should” here. Your body is remembering when you were in danger, and it warning you anytime something similar happens. It’s a proximity alarm. If you can reframe your thoughts to gratitude that your mind d cares enough about you to protect you from additional harm, it ceases to become something you feel shame about. Don’t buy into the idea that you “should be over it by now.”
    (This is a lot easier to say than do, I know. I’m sorry – I wish I could make it easier for you. You’re not alone, and your triggers are not evidence of failure. They are evidence of strength. Sending you all my warmest thoughts.)

    Liked by 3 people

  3. My own opinion is that it goes away when you are no longer exposed to the situation.
    That is complicated if you stay with a cheating spouse…I am not sure you can ever wipe the slate clean.
    That said, most amends are living amends. The more time that goes by, the more trust builds back up. Like all other wrongs.

    Hug. You are allowed to feel how you feel.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hey lady, I hope you are feeling better now. {{{{hugs}}}} Lots of great advice here. We all feel you! Cut yourself some slack. It might not feel good, but it is your inner gut reminding you of what you have been through. I think we just have to acknowledge what triggered us and say it out loud and try not to let it ruin our day. I do totally understand how frustrating it is when they throw out some date/place/circumstance that they should realize would trigger us. I can’t believe anyone is missing that instinct, but it seems they are. BE would have done the same thing, first, because he is able to compartmentalize like a champion, and second, because he would want to make things as convenient for some outsider, my feelings be damned. Everyone is different, but for me, when he does something like that, it still hurts. I don’t so much get angry as I climb inside myself and get sad. I just simply hate that because I was hardly ever sad before. Sad is now a regular emotion and I think it still comes from not being able to totally metabolize how cruel he was. He works very hard to make things right these days, but nothing will take away the wrong. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, this is how I feel – sad. Still angry at times, disgusted at times, but that sadness is always there at the top of my stomach in my diaphragm.

      Because I had never told him about this Second Cup trigger before (even though I never forgot when he said it back then in 2015 when he said he was meeting her there, and he even said something like she’s gross and has a weight problem and made an icky face, yet my internal radar was still flashing) and got triggered every time we drove by, him saying the word Second Cup made the pain shoot out of me.

      He definitely didn’t realize it was a trigger because he didn’t remember telling me or even taking her there. But I never forgot.

      This is the only place I know of, I know he took the other women out for lunches and dinners, but I don’t know where those places are. Believe me, almost everywhere we drove by after D-Day I would braise for days in anger, sadness and rage – to myself, internally as you say, that “he probably took them here, and there, and to our favorite spot”. But I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to know so he couldn’t ruin those places for me too.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s