Reflections

As all betrayed partners know, there is a back and forth internal struggle of Do I love? Do I stay? Do I trust? Do I want?

Some days yes, some days no. It’s a very emotionally painful and confusing ride that cannot be put into words. Last night as I lay in bed with Mr. Perfect reflecting on my day, I realized how much I truly hate the old Mr. P, but love the new.

He is still off work due to a mental break in March 2020 and is on long term disability. While he’s been off he’s really worked so hard on himself, and I admit that while I’m on the confusing ride, his motivation to get well and better himself gets lost on me. But when I think about it, he really truly is an amazing person.

Since he’s been off he has had weekly calls with a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist, monthly meetings with our family physician in conjunction with the Psychiatrist to review how he is feeling on his medication, every single repair that needed to be done inside and outside of our home was done by him. He has completely retrained himself (online) into a new career, has met with a business owner who has been his mentor while training, and will almost certainly get hired by him.

I was on a call yesterday with work and he so lovingly and quietly brought me some tea and oranges and gave me a kiss on the head. I know he has problems, I know his problems have caused me so much pain, but I also know that I love him.

This is how I feel today; tomorrow (or in a minute) I may not so I really wanted to write this here so I can come back if I need a boost.

Things can get better if the betrayer does the work and the betrayed can find and stay open to love. The sting and memory of the pain of the past will never leave me, but I can say with 100% of my heart that I’m impressed, and I love him. His focus is 100% on the healing of himself, me, and us -and he is doing it.

One eye open always, but it can be a squint for now 😉

9 thoughts on “Reflections

  1. I think it is true that the sting and memories will never leave us. But it is also important to acknowledge to ourselves where real positive change has occurred, and what we love about our husbands now. We can never have the live we wanted as the past will also be part of our story. However, that doesn’t necessarily take away from what is good today. Thanks for this encouraging post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its insane to me that my DDay was only 4 months ago. It seems like an eternity ago! I have to say that sometimes I sit and think about how proud i am of both of us. We have both recognized personal things we need to change and have made efforts to change those things. I enjoy the joy when i can. We have recently been having more conversations about starting a family. Although i am terrified of becoming a parent, I love my husband and i know he loves me. I do not know what the future holds but all I can do is live in the present. When its good, its good.

      Liked by 2 people

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