He thinks I should write again *TRIGGER WARNING*

After being told that writing may be what was keeping me present in the trauma, I took a hiatus. Unfortunately the trauma is still present and now he thinks writing again may help.

So, here I am. Trauma still very much present and at times, still very much in shock that he could do what he did. One of the many things I struggle with is a question I have never been able to answer throughout this entire betrayal healing journey.

The question I can never seem to answer is: Do I value myself. I ask it, think about it, try and answer yes but I can never get to that answer. I asked him to provide me with an answer and he gave examples of things that I feel are only benefits to him.

He is not acting out or being an ass. Quite the opposite; he is very respectful of me now, loves me, is protective and is really doing all of the things that I would ever want in a life partner. In fact, I have never had a partner that treats me the way he does now, and I don’t think I would ever find another man that could treat me the way he does now.

But my question still remains unanswered.

The other night I was struggling and asked him to close his eyes and see things from my head for a moment. “Imagine me eating a dinner you so lovingly prepared, my favorite actually, and I rush off to “Emily’s” house with a loving “have a great time and drive safe!” send off message from you along with a sweet kiss and hug (Emily of course is “Bob”, a guy I am fucking that I actually ended up leaving you for but realized that was a big mistake and begged you to take me back but once I came back, I treated you like utter and complete shit. Emily is no one you have ever heard of before, no one we know knows her, and you will never meet Emily despite you inviting Emily, through me of course, over for dinner some time. You just trust me).

…anyway, back to Bob. As I leave the house I am so turned on in anticipation of what Bob does to me that I soak my panties on the drive to his house and almost have an orgasm driving over gravel. As I quickly enter Bob’s house he is waiting for me in his bed, naked and the candlelight in the bedroom makes his skin look smooth and soft. Everything is perfect and I can hardly bear to look at him and his body, he is so hot and very ready for me. We don’t speak as he rips my clothes off and playfully licks my breasts. I begin to moan and start to quiver…I need him inside of me”.

“STOP! ENOUGH!” Mr. Perfect says painfully as he raises his hand with is eyes tightly closed. “But I haven’t finished yet”, I replied. “I have a lot more to say, thousands of scenarios that run through my head every day”.

I never got to finish.

If he can’t stand the thought of fiction, how could one (he, I) expect I could stand the thought of it happening hundreds if not a thousand times with multiple women?

Can anyone who has gone through this and stayed, can you please tell me if you feel that you value yourself?

Sincerely,

Struggling xo

23 thoughts on “He thinks I should write again *TRIGGER WARNING*

  1. I think valuing ourselves is very hard after betrayal. I know people say things like “It says nothing about you. You are so lovely I can’t believe he would treat you like that etc.” However, when the person we are closest to decides to choose someone else over us, it is hard to believe beautiful things about ourselves. Period.

    Saying that, I think are a few things that come sometimes help some us.

    For example, we only have to look around, or open our eyes and ears, to see that the most gorgeous, intelligent, funny – and just amazing – people get cheated on. We are aghast, and don’t think for a moment that it has anything to do with the betrayed partner. They are absolute prize. What was that person thinking!!! Clearly, the betrayer was the one with the problem.

    Another thing that helps is to listen to people we respect and value. People who know us well. How would they describe us? Generally in good, highly positive terms. They see our worth, and our strengths. They definitely believe we should go through life with our heads held high, and with a healthy dose of self-esteem. And their opinion of us is trustworthy. At some level, we know that is the case (although the betrayal will have undermined this.)

    Without a doubt, the feelings and beliefs that arise from betrayal are extremely difficult to fight and overcome …. But the feelings are being fueled by false beliefs, and it’s important to fight them … for they aren’t true! It’s not easy though 😦

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    1. Yes, you’re right. Everyone I know including Mr. Perfect would say I am an incredible woman who has her shit together. I believe all of those things about myself.

      How can I say I value myself though, if I stay with someone who clearly did not value me? Yes I know he didn’t value himself, but that is not what affects me today. It’s how the hell can I be so good, and stay with someone who has used and abused me? So damn confusing.

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      1. I’m guessing you’re staying because of who he is today, and who you think he will be in the future (and based on the fact that you had built a life together)?
        If he was betraying you now, you wouldn’t stay. You would have the self worth to walk away. You would value yourself enough to do that.
        And if you had known he was betraying you back in the past, you would have walked away at that point in time, too. You wouldn’t have put up with it. But you didn’t know.
        You absolutely deserved to be valued, and honoured, and loved and respected. He didn’t treat you that way. And he totally should have.
        But by staying you aren’t saying you didn’t deserve all of those things. You deserved them in the past and you deserve them today.
        You are saying I am still prepared to have you in my life – but only on condition that you treat me as I deserved to be treated. which is VERY WELL. If that changes, it is over.

        Liked by 4 people

  2. I understand how you feel and sometimes I also struggle with this. My husband has been in recovery for 4.5 years. He is now someone I can respect and trust. He is literally the man I believed I married. One of the things I value about myself is my ability to forgive and my belief that redemption is possible. I don’t think the scars of the past will ever disappear, but if I focus on what’s ahead, I can be happy. I know that I have value because I can see the work my husband is doing on himself and our marriage and feel grateful.

    You say that your husband is similar in his recovery and the work he’s doing. Just acknowledging that indicates that you have been able to detach from the past and recognize what is good in your life today.

    It’s not easy to move beyond what happened to us. It still hurts and some days I let myself feel that hurt. But when I am present I know that I made the right choice to stay with him. Hope this helps you.

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  3. I’m sorry for your pain.
    If those are your thoughts I have to question if it is healthy to stay.
    Do you value your husband? Or did his behaviour toss that away?

    I loved my ex. But I no longer respect him. So that love has faded and I’m left with fond memories and the peace of knowing it was good while it lasted.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Anne, and that’s a great question. I respect him for all of the ways he has changed and how he is now, so I do respect him now (and that took time) – but when I think of how he was before I obviously cannot.

      I feel I respected myself more before than I do now, and that is my problem. I just question if I am settling. I don’t know the answer to that yet.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I chose to stay with my drug addict too although I fantasize about leaving everyday. I am sick of feeling used and ignored. Addicts have a wonderful way of making us feel devalued yet valuable at the same time. Whatever your reason for staying, know that you really are are great in your own way regardless of how he makes you feel. I started a recovery group to connect with others in this situation / you write, write your heart out if that is your catharsis. Do not let him stop you from discovering your sense of self worth. ❤ Stephanie @endblankrg

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    1. Thank you so much Stephanie ❤ you're absolutely right about how they toss crumbs at us and we get so excited that we hardly notice the way they make us feel devalued and invisible. Is your partner in recovery?

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      1. I smoke a lot of cigarettes and sigh, lol. No seriously, I just self reflect and try to connect with others. You?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well my addict is no longer doing his drug (having sex with other women), but if he was I would not manage and it would be adios. I think sex addiction is different for spouses compared to other addictions, but I would never judge anyone for staying or leaving despite the substance of choice

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  5. I know it’s incredibly difficult, but we have to separate our own self worth from what they did. I still think about this every once in a while, whether I am being kind and respectful to myself for staying with someone who betrayed me so wholly, but I know I am a good person and a great partner. Our value and self worth must be separated from their sickness. I’ve never much cared what other people thought, or might think, so that helps me be true to myself, but at some point we do need to leave the past in the past and accept them for who they are today. Trauma keeps us mired in the nightmares and bad thoughts, but I have found with time that the debilitating responses have dwindled to nearly nothing. I don’t stay in that space anymore, thankfully. For me, it’s mainly been the passing of time. My husband is not and will never be the perfect husband. I curse him daily, but he is a recovering sex addict with a lot of issues. I accept him for who he is today, because I know I can’t change him or the past. I’m even beginning to trust again (also, I can never be broken in the same way again and I believe that), but if he breaks that trust, now that he acknowledges who and what he is, our marriage will be over. I can really only rely on myself. That is what I’ve learned as we inch closer to year 8 of healing. xoxo

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    1. I was hoping to hear from you Kat, one who has 2 times of the “done time” in this healing prison. I really needed to read this, that the pain and thoughts lessen and lessen.

      You know, I do feel that way many days in that it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to – but then others…OY – like I’m right there again paralyzed in the betrayal spiral. He is very good at comforting me now, albeit with a hint of self rage so it takes a bit of comfort away from me so that I need to calm him down (which pisses me off…).

      Thank you for remining and reassuring me Kat, I really needed this xo

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Like with a lot of things, I wish there was a magic pill to heal the trauma. We have to be able to cut ourselves some slack because, I think, our brains are trying to protect our hearts, but our hearts just need to heal through this too. Our happiness and our confidence, self esteem, everything really takes hit after hit in this process, but I keep at it here on the blog because it doesn’t completely go away, all the feelings of hurt, betrayal, shock, horror, sadness… but we get better at processing it. All the feelings you feel are normal and rational and the perpetrators think it’s this (the blog) or that (books, movies, tv, whatever), but in fact healing takes time. They have to accept that and let us heal in our own way. It’s for us after all, not them. I give them credit for staying and facing their own demons and those they unleashed in us, but what they can’t do is fix it, or hurry it along! Much love to you! ❤️

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  6. I haven’t been on here very much lately, nor have I been writing. I do need to write about some things. Anyhow, as I was reading through responses, I was thinking, “We get our self-worth from ourselves — our values and how we live them in our worlds (incl our talents and everything that makes us US). Kat said basically the same thing — what THEY did doesn’t measure our self worth and whether we choose to stay (or go) is individual; we all have our reasons and our paths are different.

    The trauma is complex and it does come back at times. I started seeing a psychologist I’d previously seen who uses Dr. Minwalla’s model. I wish I could get over it faster too. It’s so painful. I am having intrusive memories which need to be processed (with my therapist) and there are some “unresolved injustices” (my therapist’s term for some issues which still cause me pain). Those eventually need to be shared with my husband and she is steadfast that my husband needs to try to really, truly feel the pain I have felt and need to hold it (not shut it down). He needs to hear it, let me say it, and have true empathy for me.

    Like our trauma is a process, THIS is a process for them. Some therapists will say we shouldn’t share our pain b/c they feel shame. Um. No. They need to work on their shame with qualified professionals, and be able to have empathy for the harm / abuse they caused to us; it’s not our job to protect them and make them feel better. It takes a lot of time. I never realized how much time this takes.

    I shared in a group this past week re: staying. (I recently listed to a podcast about the shame of staying after betrayal.) Great podcasts on helpingcouplesheal.com. What I’ve been doing the past few years is sort of putting it on a scale, b/c it’s not a black and white issue – it’s a balancing issue IMHO (as long as he is not acting out) — am I better off being with him than being without him in my life? Does he add more to my life vs. not having him in my life? I ask myself these questions at times and look at the big picture of progress. He is more than his betrayals; he has some wonderful qualities too, that add to my life, so I stay. I’m staying as long as he continues to grow. his job is to work on himself AND help heal the relationship. Tall order, but it’s my expectation.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a wonderful response Belemee, and I was hoping you too would respond with your beautiful insight. Unresolved injustices – YES EXACTLY.

      I stay for the same reasons you are and ask myself the same questions about why I am staying. I know this is an ego thing for me, but damn this struggle is real. I truly treated him like a KING, and he truly treated me like SHIT. And I felt it then, so why did I stay? The things he said to me before D-day’s, awful hurtful things that made no sense, so why did I stay? Once I found out, why did I stay? Once I realized he wasn’t truthfully answering my questions for years (in a way to protect me he would say), why did I stay?

      I guess I’m questioning myself! What is my measure of self worth? I don’t know yet, but I do know I’m a very good person who has faults and flaws just like Mr. Perfect, but his projection of his faults and flaws was so inhumane and damaging to me and us and him – it makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with my self worth?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh my. I understand what you are saying. It rings soooo true to me. IMHO – part of the reason I stayed (back then) was commitment to my marriage and vows (better/worse and sickness/health, etc.) I contemplated divorce a few times b/c my emotional needs weren’t being met (intimacy – and I’m not just talking sex).

        Yes – we all have faults and flaws. Every one of us. I bought a piece of artwork a couple of years ago and it says, “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.” I haven’t given up yet. It’s REALLY hard, though, I know — this journey. Hugs.

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