After being told that writing may be what was keeping me present in the trauma, I took a hiatus. Unfortunately the trauma is still present and now he thinks writing again may help.
So, here I am. Trauma still very much present and at times, still very much in shock that he could do what he did. One of the many things I struggle with is a question I have never been able to answer throughout this entire betrayal healing journey.
The question I can never seem to answer is: Do I value myself. I ask it, think about it, try and answer yes but I can never get to that answer. I asked him to provide me with an answer and he gave examples of things that I feel are only benefits to him.
He is not acting out or being an ass. Quite the opposite; he is very respectful of me now, loves me, is protective and is really doing all of the things that I would ever want in a life partner. In fact, I have never had a partner that treats me the way he does now, and I don’t think I would ever find another man that could treat me the way he does now.
But my question still remains unanswered.
The other night I was struggling and asked him to close his eyes and see things from my head for a moment. “Imagine me eating a dinner you so lovingly prepared, my favorite actually, and I rush off to “Emily’s” house with a loving “have a great time and drive safe!” send off message from you along with a sweet kiss and hug (Emily of course is “Bob”, a guy I am fucking that I actually ended up leaving you for but realized that was a big mistake and begged you to take me back but once I came back, I treated you like utter and complete shit. Emily is no one you have ever heard of before, no one we know knows her, and you will never meet Emily despite you inviting Emily, through me of course, over for dinner some time. You just trust me).
…anyway, back to Bob. As I leave the house I am so turned on in anticipation of what Bob does to me that I soak my panties on the drive to his house and almost have an orgasm driving over gravel. As I quickly enter Bob’s house he is waiting for me in his bed, naked and the candlelight in the bedroom makes his skin look smooth and soft. Everything is perfect and I can hardly bear to look at him and his body, he is so hot and very ready for me. We don’t speak as he rips my clothes off and playfully licks my breasts. I begin to moan and start to quiver…I need him inside of me”.
“STOP! ENOUGH!” Mr. Perfect says painfully as he raises his hand with is eyes tightly closed. “But I haven’t finished yet”, I replied. “I have a lot more to say, thousands of scenarios that run through my head every day”.
I never got to finish.
If he can’t stand the thought of fiction, how could one (he, I) expect I could stand the thought of it happening hundreds if not a thousand times with multiple women?
Can anyone who has gone through this and stayed, can you please tell me if you feel that you value yourself?