Second Thoughts?

Posted on by Spouse of a Sex Addict

It’s been a while my fellow survivors; but just when I thought I had finally made it out of the being betrayed shit hole, I’m having second thoughts about how I could stay with Mr. Perfect after what he has done to me, to us, and to himself.

I’m having awful visions again of what he did with whom, dark thoughts of wanting to leave, internal rage spells and skin crawls when he touches me at times.

He hasn’t done anything bad nor have I discovered anything new. In fact just the opposite. He has been the man I always knew he could be. Loving. protective, supportive, transparent, helpful, romantic, faithful. But I do find myself asking new questions in my head like ok, they went away for the weekend, what did they eat? Did she cook for him? Did they cook together?

But I wonder if my mind is playing tricks on me – is it due to the fact that COVID has had me working from home in our basement since March so I haven’t had much sunlight? Or is it because I stopped taking CBD Oil for anxiety from being betrayed because I felt like I had made it out on the other side of this after 3.5 years from D-Day(s)? Or is it because our summer weather has sucked ass again for the second year in a row (below average temps and rainy) and I haven’t gotten enough sunlight/Vitamin D?

Or is this just part of the awful roller coaster journey of being betrayed?

Can anyone relate?

21 thoughts on “Second Thoughts?”

  1. I can relate. I never lived with my SO who betrayed me and I still have times where I feel triggered all over again. Physically I recoil from my partner I’m with now, because I just feel crawly. So my past experiences somehow transfer to him?! Weird I know.

    I have huge, can I say HUGE, trust issues which leads to an inability to function normally. I’m finding it hard to even trust my own therapist! And they didn’t do anything wrong. These trust issues have affected my ability to make friends.

    So no I don’t thing you’re crazy don’t think you are crazy at all. I’m pretty sure it’s normal.

    Hang in there ❤️ * hugs*

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      1. I don’t know if I’d say it was a mistake per se. I will say I sustained a lot of damage atop of accumulated childhood damage. It may not have bee wise for me to be in a relationship with anyone; unless that person was a saint or a martyr. Because I was and continue to be so needy. I wasnt healthy enough to be in a relationship. The person I chose happened to be damaged as well, so it turned quite ugly quite quickly.

        Hope that answers your question.

        xo

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  2. I definitely went through a similar situation. I was lucky enough to need to move across the country and the man I married stayed behind. I moved for a job and it gave me a lot of space. But it took me 2+ years to figure out that I was not able to move forward with the relationship. I waffled back-and-forth I enjoyed a lot of our history, I hated the idea of being that person who “gives up“. And I know that I had reached a point where I had felt good with him… But there was always this feeling that it would be very easy to slip back into the lies the distain the distortion the gaslighting the projection… There was no way for me to ever feel secure. Do I believe that is possible for some people? Absolutely. Do I think it’s a matter of how much work people put in? I don’t know to be honest the man I married worked a lot, and for part of our time apart I was laid off so he worked a lot to sustain our living situation, and I will always be thankful for that. That said he never seemed to do much personal work on recovery, understanding why he had acted out, what there was to try to rebuild how to actually make me feel secure how to start communicating in a way that was beneficial and hopefully preventative and nature… I was the person who had to initiate those conversations I never got any actual information that he was doing anything of value, whenever it came up his response would be I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want you to have to think about things and hurt, but that answer only works the first time and then once you’ve been advised that I need to know these things, you would think he would make efforts to inform me of what’s going on to help him not spend all of his money on hookers and porn and cheating on his wife. So I get it. I get it big time, add to that the tremendous amount of strain your life is sad because of Covid, because of mental instability issues with your Mr. perfect, I definitely understand the pain and hurt that you are dealing with. One of the things that is important to remember, is that he is not entitled to a repaired marriage. You are 100% within your “right“ to say that it is not working. You have done the work, you have done the healing you have tried to rebuild, you’ve supported through severe severe circumstances and mental health issues, you have been loving and cherishing in sickness and in health, but in the scope of recovery from her trail if it is not going to work that won’t be immediately apparent and at this point in time if that is what is becoming a parent, you’re allowed to call a time out and choose to leave the field. The game is over and it is because the entire rulebook was fucked by his choice is to mess around in the first place. You’ve been playing lacrosse the whole time and he’s been running around with a soccer ball. At this point in time you’ve done your best to make some sort of hybrid game but it’s not working and you are allowed blessed encouraged and completely in your right to just say you’re done.

    I am curious, is your daughter back in your house? Is that still going on also. I hope you’re OK, I think that a lot of people go through the rebuild phase thinking that after a while things will “get back to normal“ or the healing will progressed to a point where everything is OK then the new relationship is great. And I think that there’s a lot of people after A couple of years they just don’t progress. And you cannot predict that is what is going to happen you can’t work your ass off and make it work. You have to try and see and you did and that’s OK. Now you know

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    1. Gone, this is such a wonderful and relatable comment! No, my daughter is not back and she’s going wild, but I still feel a very strong connection to her and we speak every day, so there’s that…if we lost contact she would be in a lot of emotional trouble, she definitely still needs momma.

      I know you’re from Canada and I think AB, but even if you’re not you know about our up and down weather, I do wonder if the way I’m feeling (maybe seasonal affective disorder??) is due to to the lack of sun, but more likely it’s because he fucked a bunch of other women and put so much more effort into their relationships than the one with me? I just thought I was over that hurdle…I guess not. I do still hope this is a little blip, because he is now the person I have always wanted (please please please be a blip)

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      1. First- I’m from Alberta but I live in ON now. I am happy we had a really hot summer. It’s starting to be more cloudy but we were sweltering for Months. But my family has been suffering in the muck of hit and miss Calgary and Edmonton.

        Anyways! Back to you- it’s not just SAD. He’s the man you wanted. But he still has giant crevices he left in your soul. Even if you have patched them, he is taking 2 ton weights over plywood repairs.

        I guess I cannot imagine how you are. How you are saying he is exceptionally good, months after he was fully suicidal, obviously not ok on his meds. How can you feel safe? Yes. He knows he has to stay on them forever. But what happens in 2 years of total normal world of suddenly he wants to maybe see what happens, again. I would never feel safe. I would maybe blame it on mistrust or my brain would interpret it as fear of or repulsion from cheating, but that’s not the only thing on the line here. There’s so much at play. I really really feel for you.

        i got to a point where I knew he felt he was healing, and I was sitting there thinking- there’s just so much damage. And I have to do all the work. On me. And letting someone who already flayed me have another go? Well. Every little thing was a massive thing.

        You are the one in charge of you, I can feel you being very torn. You need to make time to talk to a health professional about this to help work out what your good decision is for now, and how long you will give yourself before you reassess , or if you’re just going to say ‘I’m going to stay until I cant’ or ‘here is my internal plan/boundary’ I encourage the idea of a plan because it should not all result in you staying but being miserable and sad forever. If it doesn’t get better at some point, perfect man that he is, or whatever- you both deserve a chance to go find good things and happiness.

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      2. I will definitely book an appt with my Psychologist – I haven’t seen her in a while and you’re right, it’s a good idea. I am torn, but I feel I’ve been torn since D-Day – the internal struggle is so crazy I never really feel safe/relaxed/trusting/calm. I’m sure we can all relate.

        He definitely has mental health issues, but that doesn’t make me not want to be with him; I have a lot of compassion for him because of it – but that is a struggle too at times. Like did the mental illness have a lot to do with what he did? It absolutely did, so I’m torn there too as well. We all are. It’s hard but you’re right in that when you know you know – and I just don’t know yet I guess 😦

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      3. Gone is on point, as usual. “He’s the man you wanted. But he still has giant crevices he left in your soul. Even if you have patched them, he is taking 2 ton weights over plywood repairs.” Yep. That. On point.

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      4. Yes, she’s absolutely correct. I’m starting to see just how much work there is to do from a mental health perspective, but he is very motivated and I’m impressed with his determination in that area. Where he is the ideal man for me is within our relationship now, but yes, he has a lot more work to do on himself. Hope you’re well xo

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      5. I started seeing a psychologist schooled in Minwalla’s teachings who we had seen in our previous state. I think with CVD19, all of this is wearing on me. You probably remember that my husband was suicidal too (he almost succeeded – 2016). I’m the one who found him and stopped the 3 modes going on. Lately, I just couldn’t get out of anger at times, so that’s why I returned to therapy.

        My husband’s mental health issues seem much, much better. He’s working with his doctor to decrease his meds. I think my husband’s job (Trauma / lack of sleep) had a lot to do with his breakdown. I’m sure the secret life played a role too.

        Re: relating to your experience with intrusive thoughts form the past – sometimes that happens for me, but mostly, it’s what I yearn for now – connection, touch, caring, and actively trying to start a new relationship – that’s what I want =, /c I certainly don’t want the past one! At times he does that (connects) and at times he withholds (it’s a power/control thing for him and he refuses any more therapy – so that’s out – for now).

        Yes – the internal struggle is hard. My psychologist is helping me with the “pro-voice” and the “anti-voice” — I give energy to the anti-voice and it sends me down a bad path. I need to feed the “pro-voice” for myself. Care of myself.

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  3. Yes, I think all of us who have been betrayed get on and off that roller coaster constantly. The thoughts and questions pop up less frequently as time goes by … but they still haunt us. It’s horrible. But hopefully tomorrow is another day and you will feel differently tomorrow 💕

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      1. I still love my ex. And some days I miss him. Most days I feel relieved, and unbelievably independent and strong.

        I never expected any of this…I didn’t even know how small I had made myself.

        Hugs. Life is complicated.

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      3. We work at the same company, but in different cities now.
        I will occasionally talk to him on the phone.
        I do keep him updated on the kids as they don’t talk to him at all. They are now 15 and 17 and have asked me to stay out of it.

        I feel sorry for him, they are great kids. So I do update him. The kids know. They think I’m too nice, but as long as it doesn’t upset me it’s ok.

        He has since had a baby with another coworker, all unplanned and unexpected.

        2019 was a nightmare trying to find my balance after this horror…but I have.

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  5. When you have been in a certain mindset for as long as you have, it’s hard to change. Over time you should find the gaps between doubt getting longer and then one day you will realise you can’t remember the last time you had those thoughts. But these things have no sure path and there will be good days and bad for a long time. Like any habit, it doesn’t change overnight and to a certain extent you have to roll with it. Perhaps it never leaves you. I once had a friend who had been sober for many years but he said, ‘once you’re an alcoholic, you’re always an alcoholic’, and he was always guarding against returning to old habits. In the same way, your brain needs the same self care to help you continue on the path you’re on. That attention may never end but you’ve come this far and that’s a good reminder.

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