Keeping myself in check

With all of the stress in life lately, and frankly, over the last at least 4 years with Mr. Perfect, I don’t know how I’ve kept it all together.

One thing I’ve noticed since Mr. Perfect has been home from his 3 1/2 week stay at the hospital is that I’m overly critical of him and/or if he has an idea about something, I try and improve it by giving my 2 cents. To be honest, I’ve been reacting this way more likely since DDay over 3 years ago. Sure this is what people do, but I’m starting to see I do it quite often and it’s probably because I don’t really trust his thought processes and I clearly still have resentment for his actions with fucking and romancing a bunch of other women.

Fair? Absolutely.

Normal? Absolutely.

Productive in moving forward to a peaceful and healthy place in our relationship? No.

Can I help it? I hope so.

I still have lots of processing to do. I still think about it daily although not all day anymore, but thoughts do pop into my head like if we are watching a T.V. show and there is some T&A and sex – I wonder if he looks at the women on T.V. and looks for/finds similarities in the women he cheated with.

I want to be kind, loving and trustful of him like I used to, but it’s hard. I want to control things so I don’t get hurt again. I want to have his ideas and thoughts to be transformed into mine because I trust them.

Either one of us can choose to leave at any time, and I’m afraid that if I don’t stop the criticism of him and his ideas, he will leave because he has literally said and done everything he possibly can to make me feel loved and secure since DDay.

There are no timelines or a playbook on healing from this, but at this point I feel it is up to me to get out of this pile of shit. What else can he do or say?

Fair? Absolutely not.

Normal? Absolutely not.

Productive in moving forward to a peaceful and healthy place in our relationship? Yes.

Can I help it? I hope so.

Have any of you experienced this? What did you do?

 

14 thoughts on “Keeping myself in check

    1. Thank you DHL, it’s tough! I do feel I’m annoyed with him for silly things. I’ve even literally bitten my tongue and am becoming aware of intentionally being quiet. I don’t like it but I’m trying to get over the trust issues. Thank you and I hope you’re well xo ps I saw you live in Calgary, I’m not far from you (also in AB) 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Those trust issues rear their head ALL THE TIME. I wonder if we ever fully get over them. Cool that you live in AB too. Now you’ve got me wondering. The picture for this site is Lake Louise 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  1. This is a tough call. I am probably not best placed to answer since I am the kind of person who once trust is lost, I’m off. That said, I never had as much to lose and situations were less complicated. But I recognise the ‘criticising what he does part’. I’ve always been a bit of a control freak, never been very good at letting partners just get on with things. I solved the problem by just not living with partners. It’s the only way I could stop myself, and at least I just learned to recognise this is the way I am with. Maybe you weren’t like this before it all went wrong. Realistically and given my experience of being a cheated on partner, you may never get to the stage of being able to trust him. Where you are now might be as good as it gets. I appreciate you know this is a long journey, but can you will ever get to a point where you stop wondering if he’s thinking about other women? Given human nature I’m not sure he ever will. It’s kind of a compromise within yourself, that even if he does become squeaky clean, you may have to resolve to yourself that you never will completely trust him again. I’ve missed out on a lot of posts over the last year. I’m sure you have addressed all of this a million times and you know you’re in this for the long haul unless something drastically changes the dynamic of your relationship. Stay sane in lockdown!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi NYAG! Staying sane in lockdown over here, how about there? I hear it’s bad in the UK 😥 I don’t know that I’ll ever stop wondering if he’s comparing tv characters with the OWomen, it definitely bothers me less and less over time but the wonder is there. Before DDay he always told me everyone is disgusting and he would never want to touch someone else, obviously that wasn’t true (The not touching part, the disgusting part I think was true) so I don’t know what to think about this thoughts of OW?

      It’s not something I should have to live with, but if I want to be with him, then I will have to I guess. 🤷‍♀️

      Like

  2. Reblogged this on Notes and commented:
    How many of us are honest in our opinions about our own relationships like this lady is? I can hardly count a few out of thousands of people I know around the world. This love/hate relationship between a couple keeps the “stranger” part in the other alive so much that it feels interesting to suffer each other. Majority of relationships I have watched (not experienced myself) sound exactly how she describes i.e. sort of enemies to each other. Its not whether it is right or wrong, I am sure both of them find it (the ride) quite interesting at the least.

    Like

  3. Happy Sunday! If you are interested, I would like for you to be a member of our #endblank recovery closed group for addicts and friends and families of addicts (of all kinds). Visit us at facebook.com/endblankrg for more info. ❤ Stephanie

    Like

  4. Hi! I came across your blog and Im glad I did. Yes I agree! I catch myself sometimes picking fights over no reason just because I am filled with anger/rage sometimes towards him. I will knit pick at the smallest things and use him as an outlet. It is not right but I do make sure I apologize and call myself out for it when I do so. He keeps reminding me that in order for us to strengthen our marriage and be better together, I need to stop asking the same questions. He still however, helps me through my emotions when I am in a negative state. He is just really trying to help us move forward.
    One more thing…I too created a blog site to help me write and would like more traffic on the site. Can you give me any helpful tips?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Diana, I’m so very sorry you’re going through this – it is awful but you WILL get through it. We are here for you xo

      Unfortunately your husband does not get to dictate what you can and cannot ask, nor how many times you get to ask it. The recovery rules are yours and because he really messed up, he needs to now suck it up and get real. He must answer your questions honestly and he must be patient with you. You must also be patient with you.

      I am 4 years past D-day #1 (the mother load happened March 18, 2017) and I can tell you I am still so very angry. I’ve had to explain it to him like this:

      When I am nit picky and naggy, it is the anger and hurt that I can no longer hold inside – it is overflowing the fill line (and I am always at full these days). so, sorry, and as much as I hate how I act and feel, not my fault. I’m trying to live in the now but the pain in my chest reminds me of the past.

      In as much pain I am in, I am also in love the equal amount. How confusing is that?? I can honestly say though, our relationship is now the best it’s ever been with trust, love, compassion, listening and transparency. It’s the before that I detest and I can’t seem to let it go yet. I’ve explained to him that my feelings about it are exactly the same as they were when I found out, the difference now is that I am used to the pain and have had to learn how to live life with this pain inside of my head and heart every day, all the while, loving you. Confusing? Absolutely.

      Please feel free to share your blog link in the comments, I don’t have any helpful tips but just write your feelings out so they don’t stay in xo

      Like

      1. Thank you so much for your response. I have my good days and bad days and sometimes when its bad boy is it bad. But i try to muster through them as best as I can and my husband has always been supportive during those moments. We will have our good, bad, and ugly. I agree, it can be extremely confusing.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s