Friends and Values

It’s been a while since I posted an update, and it’s mostly because things are still improving 🙂 big yay! Recovering from the betrayal nightmare takes a lot of time, patience and effort from both partners. It’s not 100% yet, I still look at him at times and can’t believe he did what he did, but he is doing absolutely everything to assure me that he is not that person anymore. My eyes are still open, but I’m starting to trust again ❤

Mr. Perfect is still anxious AF, and even told me last week he had been having dark thoughts. He said it is all job stress related (although I’m not so sure, I think he’s always been anxious and hence used women as an unhealthy coping mechanism in the past and just can’t do that anymore so, here we are) so he is currently looking for a new and less stressful job. I’m in full support of whatever he needs. Take a year off even, just get healthy.

I had major surgery at the end of November and am finally starting to feel like my old self. An unexpected complication of the surgery was a hypertonic pelvic floor with neuralgia, and let me tell you, it sucks. Pelvic floor physio 2x/week has done wonders though, and I am about 90% recovered today, but it’s a day by day process.

As for Mr. P and I, I am really starting to see him as someone who DESERVES a second chance. It will be 3 years in 2 days since the big D-Day, and while I’m very proud of our relationship and who we are now, I would never want to go back to 3 years ago. Up until about 6 months ago, I wasn’t sure if I could stay. Now, I believe I can.

There’s our update. What I wanted to write about today is actually some advice seeking.

One of my best friends had an affair 7 years ago and it was discovered by her Husband. I knew at the time she was having an affair, and I supported her when the shit hit the fan. She isn’t a happy person in general and hasn’t been since she had her first child 14 years ago. Twins followed a couple of years later. Postpartum was an issue and likely still is. Her and her husband haven’t been intimate in 3 years, don’t talk, don’t sleep in the same bed and really have no interaction whatsoever. They’ve never been to counselling and he doesn’t plan on going.

She has recently started having another affair and my reaction towards her has been visceral. I am so angry and disgusted. She called me today and asked if I was ok and I was very honest. I told her that she needs to stop immediately and get her shit together; if she’s not happy then ask her Husband to go to counselling or leave – but END IT WITH THIS OTHER MAN NOW. I also made it very clear that she is destroying not only her and her family’s lives, but the lives of his family. Her children will absolutely hate her. Their families will both be so hurt and disappointed. She will lose friends. I also was very clear that she has an obligation to women in this world (his wife) to do no harm. I reminded her of how incredibly broken I was and that it destroyed who I was. She cried with me often and knows I had some very dark thoughts, as so many betrayed do.

I am the type of person that if any one of you were coming to my town, I would offer you one of my bedrooms. If any one of you were in a crisis, I would offer to call you. If any one of you needed a friend, I am there for you. No questions.

But I told her it is very hard for me to be in contact with her right now.

Here is my conundrum; knowing who I am and knowing how much I love this BFF of mine, I just can’t be around her right now. I just can’t talk to her. I am so angry that I can’t control it. I just can’t be around someone who would do to another, what was done to me – and knows how destroyed I was, and in many ways, still am.

What would you do, and how would you feel? I’m not making this about me, right?

11 thoughts on “Friends and Values

  1. I dont think you are making this about you. You were being honest to her about your feelings, however, I dont feel like you should stop being there for her if she doesnt take your advise. Just dont be there for her when it comes to her affair – like you dont need to hear about it so let your friendship be about everything else but that. I know that is hard and if it cant be done, then yup, unfortunately the friendship will prolly fail, no matter how good or long you two have been friends. Best of luck.

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    1. We’ve been friends since our teens, so almost 30 years.

      I tried to put it out of my mind, but when I saw her on the weekend I was livid and could hardly keep in the disgust in and then the disgust flowed over into my conversations with Mr. P. I told our other friend (we are the 3 amigas) that I need to step back for my own sanity and health and she understood and agreed.

      I just wish everyone would do what I tell them, then the world would be sunshine and rainbows all day long 😉

      You’re right, I just don’t know if I can ignore the elephant in the room xo

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  2. You have done the right thing. I have culled good friends who were cheaters. It speaks of their lack of character.

    It was hard. Really hard. These were people who felt no remorse. Not those who messed up and felt they had done wrong.

    I make it a rule now, I won’t stand by and watch people knowingly hurt other people.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is such a difficult situation for you, but, I think because your feelings are so visceral, you should take that step back and put distance between you and your friend if and until she can make better decisions. You know how the selfishness that she and the other man are participating in devastates people. You can’t stand idly by, and it’s hard to be nice to someone who is being so careless. Maybe a break is necessary. Hopefully it won’t have to be permanent. 🤗❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You cannot support someone who is doing something wrong. She knows it. She had her second chance. She has chosen not to do anything to find real help, she is fucking up everyone else’s life without any concern for them.

    Ummm… should you support her as a friend if she was dealing drugs? Embezzling? Abusing her children (because, frankly, you are if you don’t step away when she does this)… why is it ok when she is acting like a shit and it’s ‘just’ her husband getting screwed right now? Yeh, your response and reaction and physical recoil is based on your baggage. But the internal feeling that she’s doing wrong and to distance yourself from it? That’s bang on perfect instinct

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  5. I can’t begin to tell you how invaluable this blog has been for me. I’m 4 months out from Dday. I’ve cried all day at how much I relate to you, and grateful for the hope you’ve given me

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Stacy, I am so sorry for what has been done to you. This is an incredibly hard time for you, but you will be ok, I promise – but it will take time.

      If you feel comfortable, please share your story in the comments. There are MANY warriors on here that read and will be able to provide you with support, advice, an ear (eye 😉 ), and lots of love.

      Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you xo big big big hugs. You’re not alone ❤

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