I’m sorry

I have a very complicated relationship with my Mother – she’s been verbally, physically and mentally abusive to me for as long as I can remember. I forgive her because it’s just been how is has been and I don’t really know a different relationship with her and I feel sorry for her, but I’ve learned since D-Day (of which she know’s nothing of) that I need boundaries. Lots and lots of boundaries.

2 weeks ago my Mother went to the hospital complaining of stomach pain and ended up having a colonoscopy that showed she has a bleeding ulcer most likely due to all of the medication she is on for her mental illness, stroke, blood thinner, daily aspirin etc. (she’s on A LOT of medication, some unnecessary). They refused to discharge her after the colonoscopy as per usual protocol as she is on blood thinners and can’t speak except for the words “fuck off” (she has aphasia from the stroke 9 years ago), and told her that she would be admitted for 3-4 days. I left work and went to the hospital and proceed to be kicked and verbally abused after I let the Nurse know that she is allergic to Morphine (it was the cause of her stroke and other incidences of her having to be intubated). My Mother LOVES numbing drugs, alcohol and I’m also certain she is a sex addict. She’ll take and do whatever she can to stop the demons.

After she kicked me I left the hospital and wished the Nurses well. I also decided that I’ve got way too much on my plate with my own pain, with my Dad’s wife dying, and with my Dad’s health (we will know the biospy results on Wednesday) – so I needed a break.

It was my Mother’s birthday on Friday, four day’s after mine. I didn’t talk to her on my Birthday but decided to call her for hers because no one else will (her brothers, sister, cousins etc have cut her off). It was good, I just called and wished her a great day.

That night as I lay in bed I thought back to my teenage years when the abuse was really bad and frequent for a number of reasons:

1) my Grandfather, who raped and abused her moved to our Province and around the corner from us; and

2) she started drinking because of point #1; and

3) I was a teenager and in a power struggle with her

When I thought back I remember my Mother hiding glasses of wine throughout the house; behind lamps and in cupboards, under the sink and behind books on the book shelf. I ALWAYS called her out, ALWAYS. I just couldn’t let her get away with this so I would tell my Dad or call her out in front of him. I know why I did it then (point #3), but what I realize now is that she was hiding the glasses so she could get some sort of peace. Peace from her thoughts, peace from me, peace from the demons. She just wanted peace. I know what she was doing was unhealthy, but I didn’t let her have it – and so I apologized to her for that.

My Mother’s life story breaks my heart – she was horribly abused and hitchhiked from one end of the second biggest country in the world to the other as a teenager, slept in ditches and was violated and almost killed countless times. To know and realize that I was a contributor in her struggle absolutely breaks my heart and makes me feel so ashamed.

My point to this story is that she was unhealthily attempting to numb the feelings and demons and tried different ways to feel something – anything – other than what she was feeling.

And what I realized is that Mr. Perfect was no different in his attempts to numb and search for peace from his demons. How he felt about himself and his life, I am sorry – not for what he did – but for how he felt.

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11 thoughts on “I’m sorry

  1. This is hard. There are so many factors in each of these situations. Nothing is ever black and white and sometimes that’s what people forget (especially when it comes to infidelity).

    I don’t think you have anything to reproach yourself for. You were dealing with your mother’s issues as much as she was. You weren’t trained to deal with that. You had no one supporting you in how you dealt with that. You only felt the outcomes from it. No one is perfect at dealing with what sounds like an absolutely awful way to live a life and to have to deal with a life lived at other people’s hands. Individuals react in different ways, they can either react like your mother did (which I don’t doubt is the majority given that it doesn’t sound like she, or anyone around her, had a support network to help deal with it) or you can let it make you stronger, harder and live to fight another day. Neither is necessarily the right response. It depends on the individual.

    Either way, you are dealing with it the best you can. What’s done is done. You’re still around when others have called time when dealing with your mother. And you have stuck around when everything changed with your partner. Clearly it’s in your nature to give people the benefit of the doubt. More than that, you understand that things aren’t black and right. That’s a good thing but you also have to look after yourself so that you are better for you and them. And I hope you’re also doing that and that others are looking after you too.

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  2. SOSA, I am a woman who has been through years of betrayal. First as an infant and toddler watching my own biological father’s infidelity and domestic violence against my mother. Then in my mom’s second marriage I was victimized by incest and more domestic violence for years throughout my childhood. Multiple spousal infidelity and domestic violence occurred in my adulthood as I had been unwittingly and unconsciously groomed for it as a child.

    I have read a fair number of blogs of people who have suffered infidelity both on Word Press and beyond. There are distinct phases of complicated grief after the discovery of that betrayal that I have witnessed in many writers.

    The first is that authors who experience infidelity seek to find others who have experienced similar things and blog along side each other. This is done to aide in their recovery process as well as to help another. Their blog content is usually predominantly about the infidelity.

    The next phase I have observed one year post-discovery is that there is less of a need to write constantly about the infidelity because the pain is beginning to relent. At this point the person begins to focus on how to heal rather than asking why it happened and what the unfaithful spouse may or may not be doing.

    The next phase I have observed is where the betrayed person begins to post with much insight about how their betrayor may have also been a victim at some point in their lives. Recognizing this is key. It is not don’t to recuse their behavior but rather to understand why they may have behaved a certain way.

    Following this, it doesn’t seem long until genuine forgiveness usually takes place. The memories are not erased, but space for forgiveness is allowed to occur. The betrayer is finally seen perhaps for the first time as broken, damaged from something, a victim themselves, mentally unstable, mentally ill, in all their humanity (whatever) Once, we are able to feel empathy for them; I believe then and only then forgiveness can take place.

    SOSA, I have seen you grow so much in such a short span of time. You are tremendously insightful. You seem to have an open heart and an open mind and are willing to look with rigorous honesty at yourself to further your own recovery. I am so impressed with your level of dedication and always enjoy reading what you have to say.

    ❤️ LL

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LL I SO needed to read this! I’ve almost completed all of the phases YES!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 I sometimes go back to previous phases but try not to stay there too long 🙂

      I know you’ve been through so much, and still are going through an incredibly painful journey. How are things with you and your partner?

      And given what you’ve been through, you’re incredibly insightful, have you been through all of the phases?

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      1. I have been through all the phases with regards to infidelity. My blog began 7 years ago pouring my heart out and a lot of anger about that. As I processed that former relationship, I was living a new one with ny fiancé which I did not choose to write too much about.

        At that time my fiancé was cheating on me with his bottle of Vodka. I saw him through 8 detoxes in 7 years. I believed I could love him well. He had attempted suicide by hanging himself and succeeded but paramedics were able to cut him down and resuscitate him. After getting treatment for his anoxic injury he was put in a psych hospital for 2.5 months. Our relationship was toxic and also on life support. The codependent dance I was doing trying to save him from his alcoholism (as if I ever could?) was doing nothing except making him resentful at me. He relapsed on alcohol after a year of sobriety and dumped me. I was crushed and in despair. He was drinking himself to death at his parents home and they were too elderly to know what to do with him. It was then I found out he was seeing someone new, only a month after dumping me. Yet, for 9 months before leaving me he claimed to have no sex drive because he was depressed. It turned out he had met her in the psych hospital after he attempted his life. She was also an alcoholic. He never wanted to take my calls while in that psych hospital or see me. Can I say he cheated during that admission? No. When I first asked him who she was he said he had never heard of her. Then I showed him her number on a phone bill. Ohhhh. Her. All he would admit is that he gave her his phone # as a friend. Then with more pressing months later admitted he was attracted to her and thought if we didn’t work out he would like to date her. Damn Trickle truth.

        Been down that road too many times. Been gaslit so many times I’ve got 3rd degree burns.

        How are we now?

        He is 2.5 years sober. We still fight a good deal. We still have couples therapy. I still have crap loads of trust issues. Most trust issues pre-date him. Some were exacerbated by him. Some wounds have been healed with him. Some wounds are newly inflicted. Some I have inflicted upon him.

        I am not the same doormat sweet girl I once was. I miss her. She died long ago. I really wish I could have her back. I am the woman that was left to fight so no one else hurts me again. I still do individual therapy. I find that writing about the trauma can be “re-activating”. It’s not black or white, hard and fast rules. I may choose to write about it after making a wise-minded decision about if it will be of benefit to me. DBT has been helpful more than standard CBT ever was. Patrick Carnes work on trauma bonding was helpful to me. Music is helpful.

        I have light years of work ahead of me because my brokenness began when I was so young. I too make two steps forward and one step back. To my knowledge it is not a linear process. As long as it is moving. Initially, I found reading HG Tudor’s blog helpful, and watching YouTube videos by Sam Vatkin, Richard Grannon, and Dana Morningstar. It helped me understand a pathological. That I was chosen and preyed upon, that it was not just chance or bad luck.

        I am now reading Scripture, comedy, still listening to music, binging on Netflix, trying not to binge on food. What can I say. I am still a work in process. I think you will be well long before I will. xo

        ❤️LL

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      2. Wow, wow, wow. You’re so incredible my girl, and you’re also a survivor, warrior and someone who could teach us all a few lessons in humility and humanity.

        The doormat girl shouldn’t come back. I was also that girl and I’m so glad I won’t allow people to walk on me and wipe their shit on me. Nope. I do miss my openness as I know you do, that innocence and trust for all mankind to do right and honourable things. All we can do is control ourselves, our reactions, how we allow others to treat us, and yet we can also make an intention to NOT live from our circumstances. You’ve been down, but you’ve risen. I love it ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  3. As a sober mother I can only assure you your mom was struggling and probably appreciated that you saw her.
    Addiction is horrible. The compulsion is indescribable and the remorse is so heavy.

    Don’t take on her pain. I’m sure she wouldn’t want that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for saying this ❤️ I struggle understanding addiction, but I realize, seeing first hand, that it is an attempt to escape pain, shame and guilt.

      How are you doing? I’m so sorry you’re in the club none of us wanted to join ☹️ Just know that you have an army standing behind you xo

      Like

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