How do you feel?

Posted on by Spouse of a Sex Addict

It’s been just over 2 years from D-Day #1, and the 2 year anniversary of D-Day #2 and his attempted suicide will be on March 18, 2019.

The frequency and severity of my visceral reactions have lessened, but I still feel resentful, angry, disgusted and shocked at times.

When we aren’t together or in each others presence I feel love and like for him and can’t wait to see him, but as soon as he gets home I feel uptight and don’t want him to touch me. I also still have snarky thoughts and I’m concerned this will last forever.

Most of my thoughts stay in my head, and when he touches me I let him do it despite my body rejecting the touch. BUT, sometimes I just can’t keep it all in all of the time.

I wonder how you feel? Here are my questions:

  1. When you’re in his/her presence do you feel calm and accepting?
    • Or do you still struggle and how does that feel?
  2. For those further along in this path or those who don’t feel this way anymore:
    • If you felt the way I do, did it subside and how long did that take?

I don’t want to feel this way, and I tell myself every morning to be open and loving, but sometimes my thoughts and feelings just default to “don’t you dare touch me, you’re dirty, never loved me, disrespected me in the worst possible way and have ruined my life!”

Is this still normal?

43 thoughts on “How do you feel?”

  1. Very, very normal. It takes a long time to rebuild trust, I was told 2-5 years from a ‘normal’ betrayal. I imagine dealing with addiction adds many layers to your healing journey. And there will always be a little bit of reticence, a bit of holding a piece of yourself back. We all come with factory installed self protection mechanisms that are there for a reason. I struggled with intimacy from years 5 to 8! Once I did the work and felt I could trust again, my body relaxed from that fight or flight mode. Time. It doesn’t heal on it’s own, but if you keep doing the work…

    Sending love. And patience xxx

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    1. That all makes sense, it’s just so strange and I hope the feelings of wanting him to touch me comes back without the resentment and thoughts that he’s gross…I truly hate this 😦

      How are you doing honey?

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  2. I’m barely at the year mark, so I’m not really your intended answerer, but usually I feel calm. I’d say I’m at about a 75/25 split. Although, much more sensitive as my awareness to our first d-day anniversary is approaching. Certain situations put me more anxious, or at peace, that others. I have been crying a lot at night though. 😔

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    1. You are definitely my intended answerer – we all have different experiences and tricks and hopefully sharing can help others 🙂

      I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain, it is REALLY good to cry it out though. Let it all out, imagine that all the tears are the trauma and pain leaving your body. You usually feel better after you cry a bit right?

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      1. Eventually I do, although it leaves me feeling very drained for a while too…this morning I felt ok. I usually think, “ok. One step closer to being healed.”

        Honestly, I’m sobbing every time after we’re intimate right now. I’m not sure why. Before this, it was only handful of times. But, I’m SO sensitive about it right now.

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      2. That’s understandable, plus you’re still dealing with postpartum, a new born and an array of hormones. You will need to be especially easy on yourself, with lots and lots of patience.

        What are you thinking about/feeling after being intimate?

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      3. Well, she’s now over 1, but yes. She’s still young.
        Mostly, fears of comparison. It is by far my biggest hangup. Bits of mind movies, although those have gotten much easier to control. And, sadness.

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      4. I understand completely honey, it’s really a disconnected feeling isn’t it?

        Hormones are a strange thing, childbirth, breastfeeding, menstruation, menopause.. Throw infidelity in there and everything is so much less balanced. I tell myself really bad things when I’m pmsing, my verbiage to myself is so mean and horrific I literally have to tell myself to stop it. Give yourself lots of grace, it takes time and you’ve been through so much in the last year.

        No one compares to you in his eyes, and people don’t generally compare anyway right? I’ve really had to force myself to stay as present as possible, literally feeling every moment and just thinking about what I’m feeling – his hands running over my body, how our lips feel together, how his body feels on mine and vice versa, our rhythm and sounds, our breathing…all of it. It actually feels incredible. Just try and stay present, don’t go there. It is easy to write, not easy to do I know, but this will definitely get better.

        Promise xo

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      5. Thank you. I’m trying to stay in the moment, I usually do ok until it’s over. Each time you talk with me about these kinds of things I find it incredibly helpful. Thanks so much for using your pain, and healing, to help others.

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  3. I’m the opposite. When she’s not around, I start thinking bad thoughts about who she is and what her motives were, and I get angry. When I see her, I feel a lot better and I start to warm up again.

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    1. I was the same in the beginning and felt comfort only when he was with me, not necessarily because I was worried he would act out again, but I didn’t feel good alone and keeping all of my thoughts and visions to myself.

      Carol still works with the pig, so I completely understand why you feel the way you do and when.

      I just miss how I used to look at him Jack. I really really miss it. When I wasn’t aware of what was happening, he would toss crumbs of attention my way and I would be panting at his feet like a little puppy, now his affection is like something I’ve never experienced with him (lots and lots and lots), and so maybe that’s why it feels yucky? I don’t know, I just miss how I used to feel but I hope I will again. I don’t want to feel like Gordon Lightfoot’s song “If you could read my mind”, except I do know what went wrong.

      Confused.

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      1. Yep, she still works with him technically, but that’s not why I get angry. It’s not because I think she’s up to something when I’m not around, I know she’s been scared straight for at least a very long time, and I know she’s been able to see his abuse for what it is now and she’s absolutely disgusted with him.

        I just have time to dwell on things when she’s not around. Time to downplay her remorse and suffering in my angry mind. Time for my ego to try to convince me to kick her to the curb.

        In person, I mostly just see someone who wants me and is actively trying to keep me, who looks like and acts a bit like the woman I fell in love with. It’s harder to feel angry at that.

        I don’t think you’ll ever get the way looked at him or the way you felt about him back. You’ll never see him the same. But you can see him a new way. Time will continue to heal you and turn the traumas into memories of a past life.

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  4. In the beginning there was that hysterical bonding phase. In my story, we were both fed up with each and frankly I had been turned off by him for a while BEFORE the affair. After the affair, intimacy was better, but like Jack, when he wasn’t around, I would be more edgy, angry and I was also suspicious even when I knew it was unfounded.

    During some incidences of trickle truth, I would be furious when he was around, but for the most part, after just over 2 years, things are pretty much back to normal, but I will admit that sometimes I think of them together… xo Dolly

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    1. It’s encouraging to know that it subsides. And how do you feel when you sometimes think of them?

      In our case, I adored, maybe even idolized him. It was wrong to do so, but I know I did it because of the crumbs. Those damn crumbs were like a light in the dark and I held on and saved them for dear life. Truth be told, I do feel that while he was in our side of his double life, he adored me as well. Coming back to me from the other side of his double life was dark shame filled and guilt ridden that he didn’t have much to give more than crumbs. I get it, but it hurts.

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      1. Mixed feelings I guess. I try to put it out of my head and usually can. As I said, we came from pretty much hating each other. We were both turned off by each other and a step away from divorce. I had brought it up before and he had dismissed. If he said he wanted that, we would have been done. So at this point, I do accept my share of the marriage breakdown. While the affair should not have happened, it did. We both felt we were done, he acted on it. I see it as a weakness in character brought on by an extreme situation. I thought he was stronger than that. I was almost in the same situation and still not sure what I would have done. It helps me push past, but occasionally, it does still hurt and probably always will. However at this point, we have built a much stronger and more honest relationship. We really enjoy each other’s company again where we couldn’t stand being in the same room together a few years back. xoxo Dolly

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      2. I love it, and I love that neither of you gave up on each other after the disclosures ❤️ You’ve made something even greater than it was before the disgustingness happened.

        Love it and very inspirational 😘

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  5. We are at 2.5 years from the last Dday. I know exactly how you feel. I still have my issues with sex. Not sure if it’s because of his history or because of my menopause. But I struggle sometimes to feel desire for him. However he is doing really well and I am gaining new respect for him. It is still hard sometimes to remember all that had happened. But it is getting easier. Hang in there. ❤️❤️❤️

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    1. I’m so happy to hear things are getting clearer and easier for you, that’s so encouraging!

      I don’t usually feel that way with sex, I love it when we have sex and I’ve learned that I need to stay present. The touch that sometimes bothers me is if we are sitting on the couch or in the car and he touches my leg or something like that. I get uptight sometimes but keep it to myself. Did you feel this?

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      1. I’m actually very ok with affectionate touching. Unfortunately my husband struggles with affection. Any kind if touching is usually interpreted as a sexual advance. So we are working on that. I want to be able to give him a hug or kiss without hearing sexual comments or having him start rubbing his hands all over me. I think I need to have that part of our relationship feeling more comfortable before I am ready to initiate sex.

        When we have sex it is always his initiation and my having to get my head in the right place. I’m usually ok once we start but it takes a lot of work for me to get mentally present.

        It’s always a reminder that things will never be what they were. But I try to focus on what they can be as we continue to recover as a couple and as individuals. The future looks brighter with each passing day.

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  7. Hi, obviously I don’t feel like that, twelve years is a long time, and interacting with you all has made me realise how much I learn and evolve from what happened,even now.
    It’s important I think to know that I only had one Dday, because everytime that happens I believe it would, naturally, pull you back. So looking back it was probably about 2 years just over for me.
    But we are all different and I have said about you having 2 Ddays because that is important to consider.
    I did learn to look at the positives, as you can see from my journal, tiny tiny things, all the time; and I think (well I know) that is what got me through it. Those things included Rich’s behaviour, I focused on all the small positives he did.
    I hope that helps, you can do this, I know you can.
    Moisy

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    1. I’ve had a few more D-day’s than 2 because of trickle truth or him admitting to things that he previously lied about. I’m not sure if 1 D-Day would have made any difference as I was completely disgusted, shocked and devastated believing he had been sexting with one person.

      1 D-Day is devastating, but it’s also one too many.

      Absolutely, your journal and the timelines of it have helped me realize that for the most part, we will heal, survive and even thrive.

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  8. You’re much braver than me. I’d of walked away. For me, once the relationship is crushed, I can’t continue with it. But I have been in situations where as the relationship has started to die, for whatever reason, that feeling of absolute resentment whenever I have been in the same room as him, has been overpowering. To the point where sometimes I could have literally strangled him. And it depends on the partner how I respond but I don’t do conflict well so usually I just bottle it and that actually makes it worse because internalising those feelings isn’t good for you. Especially if he doesn’t realise it’s going on.

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  9. Glad to hear your visceral reactions have lessened. Mine have too. I used to get all kinds of awful sensations being out of the house, even the grocery store. The grocery store doesn’t have any triggers re: betrayal. It has people, though. I think I was triggered being around people, and I’m taking more risks now.

    Your post reminded me of your story. The anniversary of my husband’s suicide attempt is coming up in March too. It was just so horrid and graphic. I’m currently seeking some options for add’l trauma therapy (had a lot of EMDR, seemed to work, then it didn’t). His suicide attempt, Major Depression, and hospitalizations for psych have had wide implications. I can’t worry about all of them, though, I am focused on care for ME.

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    1. beleeme, I’m so sorry the EMDR isn’t working for you anymore, any idea why? Have you gone for another Chakra alignment recently?

      We have PTSD from not only the betrayal (and all of the shit that comes along with it) but also the suicide attempts. I get triggered sometimes just looking at him breathing, feeling his warm skin (and thank goodness for both of those), but sometimes it’s such a shock just to look at him. Do you experience this as well?

      I would love to hear about the trauma therapy you are looking into. Will you update us?

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      1. I honestly don’t know why (about the EMDR). It seemed to make a good difference the 1st year out, re: the horrid scene of him desperately trying to end his life in front of my eyes. The second year out, I had vivid flashbacks. I am trying to do anything I can to prevent that this year (or at least have therapeutic support during the time). The EMDR didn’t seem to help the betrayal trauma at all. It made it worse for me. I’ve heard that when a therapist isn’t experienced with EMDR and betrayal, that can happen? Not sure?

        Yes, I recently had some Quantum Touch – it helps with the Chakras and helps to calm my nervous system. I can calm myself now much better than before.

        I can’t say I’m shocked to feel him (alive) or see him (being alive). Not sure what you mean? Disbelief it happened? Like it wasn’t real? My husband has told me he feels that way sometimes. I have such a hard time with the fear. It was just so crazy and scary – – – out of control. I felt helpless. In reality, though, my reactions and behavior were very effective.

        I am interviewing a therapist who does EMDR and DBT. Maybe the DBT would help? I also reached out to a therapist who does EMDR, art therapy, intensives, and ??? I’ve sustained trauma in therapy, but at least I am still reaching out…

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  10. Thanks. ❤

    Yes, I do "get" that. The shock. It's tremendous. It's so out of character for him. I've been with him over 25 years, and I never, never would have thought he'd be suicidal. Ever.

    I think, perhaps (?) it may be even more shocking to him, re: the suicide attempt. He says it doesn't seem real, like a dream. He did EMDR for it, and for the numerous traumatic events during his career. I believe he did some on some childhood issues too. So that's good. He did some EMDR sessions on how much he harmed me.

    The EMDR (for me) did "stick" with some things, for example, his car – the scene of his attempt. I have no problem riding in it or driving it.

    Hugs to you.

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  11. We have just gotten to our 4 year mark. Our sexual intimacy journey has been somewhat different, since as you know, we hadn’t had sex or even a kiss in over 20 years. So our first three years of resuming/building or whatever was so hard trying to figure the whole sex thing out like newlyweds except with all our infidelity baggage and health issues. I have spent the last year completely dissatisfied and unfulfilled with how much more of a priority I have put on it then my husband has. I admit that he is great with the non-sexual physical affection. I receive hugs and kisses throughout every day. But honestly, for most of this last year, I hate it. I turn my head so he can’t kiss my lips, and hopefully misses my cheek too. I don’t want to cuddle in bed. On the semi-rare occasions we do have sex, I don’t cry afterwards anymore. I have never experienced the physical release of an orgasm, so my tears definitely weren’t from those overwhelming emotions. I have disconnected physically. And I was just realizing this afternoon how much I have spiralled downwards on the weekend since Christmas being at home with him. I was actually planning something to do next weekend so I could be away from him. I don’t suppose this is the answer you were hoping for, but things are still up and down with us on the physical side of things. It is kind of like I am feeling sexually rejected and abandoned again. Even though some of it is from health issues/menopause/etc. and not his actual rejection. Just not enough of an established new pattern to fight this off.

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    1. I can’t imagine I (or anyone else) would feel any different than you. What you’re going through and feeling, even though you have read and read and read that this is not about you and has nothing to do with you, still feels extremely personal and you feel rejected.

      Just as omitting a truth in betrayal is considered a lie (by omission), ignoring your needs/the sexual contract is actual rejection. Rejection doesn’t need to verbalized to be considered rejection.

      Has he initiated a conversation/approached you questioning why you won’t accept his kiss? Does he know how you’ve been feeling? I can feel your valid resentment and I hope he’s started a conversation with you about it.

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