It’s been just over 2 years from D-Day #1, and the 2 year anniversary of D-Day #2 and his attempted suicide will be on March 18, 2019.
The frequency and severity of my visceral reactions have lessened, but I still feel resentful, angry, disgusted and shocked at times.
When we aren’t together or in each others presence I feel love and like for him and can’t wait to see him, but as soon as he gets home I feel uptight and don’t want him to touch me. I also still have snarky thoughts and I’m concerned this will last forever.
Most of my thoughts stay in my head, and when he touches me I let him do it despite my body rejecting the touch. BUT, sometimes I just can’t keep it all in all of the time.
I wonder how you feel? Here are my questions:
- When you’re in his/her presence do you feel calm and accepting?
- Or do you still struggle and how does that feel?
- For those further along in this path or those who don’t feel this way anymore:
- If you felt the way I do, did it subside and how long did that take?
I don’t want to feel this way, and I tell myself every morning to be open and loving, but sometimes my thoughts and feelings just default to “don’t you dare touch me, you’re dirty, never loved me, disrespected me in the worst possible way and have ruined my life!”
Is this still normal?