Today is my Birthday, the big 44 🙂
While I am so very grateful for all of the Birthday messages I’ve received today, the messages, words and love from Mr. Perfect sting.
3 days before my birthday 6 years ago, Mr. Perfect ended our relationship (for the 4th time…OMG seriously I’m so dumb) with the reason “I want to have a baby, but I don’t see you in my future”. I immediately asked if there was someone else and it was a very quick and loud NO.
The 2 months that followed I was confused, heartbroken, cried daily (and still cry as I write today), read books and articles on emotionally unavailable men, had dreams about him with other women, wondered what he was doing and if he even remembered me. 2 months later he begged for me back in a handwritten letter he placed in my mailbox. I immediately accepted him back and believed every word.
I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve replayed this scenario in my mind over the last 6 years (including on my way to work this morning. Showers and my morning drive are the usual times I ruminate and beat myself up). In the new scenarios I was stronger and ignored the letter…or questioned him more before agreeing to take him back…or waited a week before contacting him after receiving the letter…or, or, or.
I know, I know – how stupid could I have been because it is SO obvious in hindsight there was someone else. He admitted in his suicide letter that he left me because he thought he was in love with someone else.
I wish I could, but I can’t go back and change my stupidity and weakness. I just wanted the pain from the absence of him to end.
I’m excited, happy and grateful for all of the love and messages I’m receiving today, but it still hurts.
It just still really, really hurts.