6 years ago today

Today is my Birthday, the big 44 🙂

While I am so very  grateful for all of the Birthday messages I’ve received today, the messages, words and love from Mr. Perfect sting.

3 days before my birthday 6 years ago, Mr. Perfect ended our relationship (for the 4th time…OMG seriously I’m so dumb) with the reason “I want to have a baby, but I don’t see you in my future”. I immediately asked if there was someone else and it was a very quick and loud NO.

The 2 months that followed I was confused, heartbroken, cried daily (and still cry as I write today), read books and articles on emotionally unavailable men, had dreams about him with other women, wondered what he was doing and if he even remembered me. 2 months later he begged for me back in a handwritten letter he placed in my mailbox. I immediately accepted him back and believed every word.

I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve replayed this scenario in my mind over the last 6 years (including on my way to work this morning. Showers and my morning drive are the usual times I ruminate and beat myself up). In the new scenarios I was stronger and ignored the letter…or questioned him more before agreeing to take him back…or waited a week before contacting him after receiving the letter…or, or, or.

I know, I know – how stupid could I have been because it is SO obvious in hindsight there was someone else. He admitted in his suicide letter that he left me because he thought he was in love with someone else.

I wish I could, but I can’t go back and change my stupidity and weakness. I just wanted the pain from the absence of him to end.

I’m excited, happy and grateful for all of the love and messages I’m receiving today, but it still hurts.

It just still really, really hurts.

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20 thoughts on “6 years ago today

  1. You aren’t stupid. I know you feel that way (I do too), but falling prey to active deceit doesn’t make you stupid. Our good, trusting nature was manipulated and used against us. We made decisions we thought were smart based on the information we thought we knew. It’s still sad, but not because we’re stupid.

    I wish you a happy and restorative birthday!🎂 Give yourself the best gift by cutting yourself some slack my dear.
    ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I do feel stupid 😦 I kept feeling like something was off but didn’t ask too much because I didn’t want to know because then I would have to make a decision and I didn’t want to have further heartache.

      I’ll admit it, I didn’t dig too deep despite my gut telling me to do so. I don’t know what that makes me, me but I’m sure there’s a name for me other than stupidheaddumbass.

      Thank you for the birthday wishes, I’ll take your very good advice ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’d love to crash this party with you all! Sorry I missed sending you birthday wishes on your birthday. Perhaps I can wish you a Happy 44 and 2 weeks Birthday.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy Belated Birthday! I do hope you were able to enjoy your day…

    We’ve all made decisions based on our emotions, based on love. You are not stupid at all, just a lovely, loving, caring person… xoxo Dolly

    Liked by 1 person

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