D-Day #1 – Post 2 year reflection

Posted on by Spouse of a Sex Addict

D-Day #1 was on December 31, 2016, but it was only the tip of the iceberg as many more trickle truths and D-Day’s would follow.

As I reflect back 2 years ago to the morning of December 31, 2016 and recall the words and sexual content in the email from Landis (aka The Elf – I care less and less about anonymity of any of the cast of characters. They certainly didn’t care – so why should I?), I no longer feel the intense trauma, shock, anger and seeing red rage as I did then or even one year later on NYE 2017.

Those feelings and emotions were indescribable and I can honestly say I didn’t remember it was the 2 year D-Day #1 anniversary until later in the day, and when I did remember I had to kind of convince myself that I should be upset about it.

Shouldn’t I have remembered and felt anger towards him?

I didn’t. And I didn’t even after I remembered and tried to convince myself to. Maybe it’s because there is so much going on with the health of my family at the moment, or maybe it’s because I’m healing.

I’m getting there, but definitely not 100% yet:

  • I still feel grossed out by him and his touch at times.
  • I feel I’m disingenuous with my feelings at times.
  • I’m still angry at times.
  • I still waiver back and forth on whether or not I can stay in the relationship at times.
  • I tell myself that I need the truth, the parts he is still lying about or has omitted at times.
  • I have trouble telling him I love him at times (he tells me he loves me 1000 times a day).
  • I still feel shock when I look at him and think about what he did at times.

At times is key.

I feel I’m moving and not stuck. I don’t feel the intense rage, fog or fuzziness as I did during and after the first year. The effort he is putting into our relationship and connection is incredible, and one I won’t experience with anyone ever again. I do love spending time with him and we’ve had some wonderful and close moments over the past 2 years amidst riding the trauma train.

I hope 2019 is a much easier year for us all from a pain and trauma perspective. I wish you all the absolute best each and every day ❤

Hang in there warriors, it does get better.

19 thoughts on “D-Day #1 – Post 2 year reflection”

      1. No big deal! Nothing important! Just wanted to chat a minute. I think the collagen may have made me crazy? At least that’s what I want to blame it on he..he…

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  4. “Moving” and “not stuck” is definitely something to be happy about. It’s a big deal. So is the fact that you are living and breathing and that you’ve had wonderful times of togetherness in the last two years. I’m sure that very often seemed impossible. Hopefully it will seem less and less so the more time passes. ❤️

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    1. Reflecting is pretty powerful, and it proves that life really does just carry on!

      I’m not sure if it’s the family stuff, time, or perhaps I’m just getting a bit desensitized. Maybe all of the above.

      I hope you had a great holiday season 🙂 how was it and how are you?

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      1. I think we all get desensitized over time. I know that I have, for sure. It is also true though that life is too short to sit around crying each day.

        Our holidays were good, thank you. I know you have a lot on your hands but I hope that you had some good, peaceful times in the mix as well. ☺️

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      2. Glad to hear you had a good holiday (was hoping to hear GREAT!). It was mostly just the 4 of us as Dad’s wife was in the hospital (currently palliative), and my Mother, in her mental illness state, refused to see me. Hoping for a better year xo

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  5. I think you could have been a part of our group. Some thoughtful and truthful friends that were not afraid to “tell it like it is”. I hope you can work-things out for the best — for the best of both of you.

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      1. There was a group of folks that simply found ourselves in various stages of infidelity. On all sides. We shared a lot of very strong emotions and feelings. I think some folks were helped. Others just pissed!! LOL!! That was long time ago. We are in the reconnecting process. Have heard from some. I’d like to hear from others and know where their journey took them.

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