D-Day #1 was on December 31, 2016, but it was only the tip of the iceberg as many more trickle truths and D-Day’s would follow.
As I reflect back 2 years ago to the morning of December 31, 2016 and recall the words and sexual content in the email from Landis (aka The Elf – I care less and less about anonymity of any of the cast of characters. They certainly didn’t care – so why should I?), I no longer feel the intense trauma, shock, anger and seeing red rage as I did then or even one year later on NYE 2017.
Those feelings and emotions were indescribable and I can honestly say I didn’t remember it was the 2 year D-Day #1 anniversary until later in the day, and when I did remember I had to kind of convince myself that I should be upset about it.
Shouldn’t I have remembered and felt anger towards him?
I didn’t. And I didn’t even after I remembered and tried to convince myself to. Maybe it’s because there is so much going on with the health of my family at the moment, or maybe it’s because I’m healing.
I’m getting there, but definitely not 100% yet:
- I still feel grossed out by him and his touch at times.
- I feel I’m disingenuous with my feelings at times.
- I’m still angry at times.
- I still waiver back and forth on whether or not I can stay in the relationship at times.
- I tell myself that I need the truth, the parts he is still lying about or has omitted at times.
- I have trouble telling him I love him at times (he tells me he loves me 1000 times a day).
- I still feel shock when I look at him and think about what he did at times.
At times is key.
I feel I’m moving and not stuck. I don’t feel the intense rage, fog or fuzziness as I did during and after the first year. The effort he is putting into our relationship and connection is incredible, and one I won’t experience with anyone ever again. I do love spending time with him and we’ve had some wonderful and close moments over the past 2 years amidst riding the trauma train.
I hope 2019 is a much easier year for us all from a pain and trauma perspective. I wish you all the absolute best each and every day ❤
Hang in there warriors, it does get better.