Hurdles

Yep, that’s me – climbing over a 20 foot wall as one of the obstacles in a crazy physical and mental challenge. It was hard getting up there initially. At first I had to jump up and grab a ledge to pull myself up in order to start the climb. Once I reached the top I was petrified to swing my legs over and start climbing down the other side – backwards and not able to see what was below me.

Some of the other obstacles were:

  1. Tire drags
  2. Spear throw (x 3)
  3. Raising a 50lb bucket 20 feet over a ledge with a rope, and then slowly lowering it
  4. Crawling under barbed wire in a pool of mud
  5. Filling a 10 gallon bucket with rocks and carrying it while walking a set path for 1 km
  6. Fire jump
  7. Rock wall
  8. Rope climb
  9. Over, under, through
  10. Parallel bar arm walk
  11. Running though a mud hole chest deep (when I tried to get out of it I lost my shorts, and everything that was under my shorts – embarrassing!)

The obstacles above are separate from a 16 km run. If you fail any one of these obstacles, 30 burpees are required per each failed obstacle.

No safety nets: just me trusting myself in knowing I could do it.

I was a warrior that day and proud of what I accomplished. I moved from dangerous challenge to the next exhausting challenge – not knowing what was next – completing them all except the rope climb (I was full of mud and way too slippery). I was so sore I couldn’t move without pain for a week.

But I survived.

Next to clawing my way out of the shit hole Mr. Perfect threw me in due to his heinous acts, it was the most mentally and physically exhausting thing I had ever done in my life. But I survived.

And I will survive this too.

 

 

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12 thoughts on “Hurdles

  1. Of course you will! You are one tough woman and you are going to get through this no matter what happens with Mr. P’s recovery. You want him to recover and maintain sobriety, but at the end of the day its all up to him. You focus on you and your healing. You and the girls will be awesome regardless. (I say that because I’m reasonably sure you were awesome before you even met Mr. P, and thus you’ll continue to kick ass.) 🙂

    Plus, if all that freakin’ exercise didn’t kill you, nothing will. (*she says as she reaches for another hand-full of M&Ms…)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Baha you make me laugh BW!! Last nights bath snack was a bag of Lindor’s – these muscles are largely made up of milk chocolate 😉

      It’s true what you’re saying, I caught myself last night asking him if he was going to do more steps (he’s done step 1 – in a whole year), and I was like “Ya know, never mind. Your recovery is not my circus. If you don’t do the steps to recovery, you don’t.”

      It does piss me off though, I feel he needs to pay somehow, and I feel that payment comes from doing the work and dissecting what he’s done. He avoids thinking and talking about it unless I bring it up. I’m sure that’s normal but I’m a bit resentful.

      I was awesome, but this has changed me and I’m only about 70% awesome now. I hope it’s only temporary xo

      How are you today? Are the days getting better?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hear you. Handsome just got a sponsor and will be starting his step work, at long last. I know I can’t control his recovery, but I don’t think it’s out of bounds for us to have the reasonable expectation that they’ll do the steps (or some other recovery program). I personally don’t feel as if individual therapy is a substitute for step work (complementary, yes, but different) particularly when so many therapists seem to drink the Kool-Aid these guys are selling.

        I’m looking forward to a terrific weekend. I hope you are too!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Morning BW, I had an amazing weekend and hope you did too!

        I agree, individual counselling is not a substitute and especially in Mr. P’s case because he does not feel he is “getting anything out of it”. Well, could that be because he is the master of avoidance on this subject and no one is able to help him because they don’t really know the real issue? 100% yes.

        I also believe that just showing up at a 12 step meeting once a week is not acceptable either. I attend meetings every day at work, but if I don’t do the assigned tasks from those meetings, I’m probably going to get fired. So I did discuss this with Mr. P, and he agrees and is meeting his sponsor before Wednesday’s meeting. Hopefully at some point he/handsome/sex addicts seeking recovery will understand that the program is designed in steps, to not only help with staying sober, but also to help with the guilt and shame.

        Mr. P did some EMDR therapy at our last couples session (I left the room so he could be completely honest), and it turns out his first “acting out” experience with infidelity was even before he originally remembered. He was at a party with his first ever real girlfriend when he was in his early 20’s and a woman he worked with was there. He and she had a flirty type relationship (obviously the issue), and he went to the basement to use the washroom and she followed him. He came out of the washroom and she tried to kiss him and he turned his head away. She started dancing and grinding on him and tried again, and he kissed her back. He told our therapist that the reason he gave in was because a) he had been flirting with her and was scared she would be upset because of the rejection and tell everyone, and b) he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So instead of doing the right thing he did what she wanted him to that he thought would cause the least amount of drama, despite not wanting to. He said this is what happened with all other women. They flirted and then it escalated, and he followed through despite not being attracted to them or wanting to.

        Not TOTALLY buying this, and he takes 100% responsibility for the flirting and for doing what he did, but it does make sense to a degree (based on what I’ve seen of these women).

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It was a great weekend! 5th grade graduation followed by 9-year-old birthday mayhem… a blast! Glad to hear yours was good too.

    I agree with you regarding the 12 step meetings. Handsome struggles to get to one meeting a week. It is, to be fair, mostly an issue of his work schedule (rotating shifts, crazy hours). But I’m not entirely sure that’s the only issue. I occasionally wonder whether to nudge or to ask , but then I remind myself that it’s his recovery and that I need to give him an opportunity to do his step work and we’ll see if he’s willing to do that hard work on his own. His short term motivation is excellent, but it’s his long-term “stick-to-it-iveness” that concerns me.

    I have to tell you, if I didn’t have the husband that I have and I read Mr. P’s story about that party, I’d laugh. But I will tell you that I’ve heard the same reason (b) from Handsome multiple times. Aside from the sheer lunacy of that explanation (it’s crazy, right??) the fact that they chose not to hurt the feelings of the skanks but to hurt us instead is just mind fuckingly ridiculous. The skank that Handsome took out on a date last summer is a prime example. He says they didn’t kiss or touch that night, but that a few weeks later she approached him while he was at work and initiated a kiss. Rather than doing any of the million other perfectly viable options he had, he says he “didn’t want to hurt her feelings” and so he kissed her back. WTF? Yeah, I guess it’s better to lip lock with a whore and put your job and your marriage at risk rather than say “get away from me.”

    I’m not exactly buying it either and yes he’s admitted it and taken responsibility and yes, she’s a skank… but still… ? I don’t want to view my husband as pathetic, but it really is pretty pathetic, isn’t it?

    xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AWH – I’m so glad you had a great weekend with the kids 🙂 those are so so so important!

      Their reasoning (or perhaps more applicable – rationalizing) really is pathetic, and weak to say the least. My question then is this; did he ever say no to anyone? Mr. P said he probably did. So, I guess that reason does not apply to all of them.

      It’s all a mind fuck BW and truth be told, there will never be a reason that we will be able to understand. We will never understand what they did and with whom, fully aware of the risk. Honestly, how did they even get it up with them (and at times not with us??).

      Mind. Fucked.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmmm… I’ll have to ask Handsome, but I’m guessing he never said no. Having seen the skanks he said yes to (or who he persuaded to say yes to him) I can’t imagine what it would have taken for him to turn someone down. Sad, but true.

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      2. Good question. I’m focusing on two things right now. First, making sure that I am communicating my own needs and issues to him. I’m making a concerted effort to ensure that I am modeling good communication techniques so that maybe he will reciprocate. If he doesn’t, it’s at least benefiting my own self-awareness and overall communication skills.

        Second, I’m doing all of the reading and homework that our CSAT gave us to occupy us over her maternity leave. Not everything has necessarily been a great fit – there were a few misses I just had to put down and walk away from – but overall I’ve continued to draw strength and a degree of solace from each of the resources. It’s keeping my mind occupied outside of work, which is terrific, even if I’d prefer a different subject matter.

        This is a tough month for me (well, June and July). A LOT of awfulness and escalation happened last summer, so I’m trying to stay busy and focus on me and the kids and just roll with my feelings and focus on where things stand this year. 🙂

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      3. You seem so cool and calm – GOALS! I am actually cool and calm for the most part on the outside, I struggle on the inside and this is where I need to focus my work on. I really should pick up on where I left off on my CSAT workbook – maybe that will help.

        Good for you, being present and focused on other things while still working on “the thing” is going to get you so far. Not only that, but it is so good for the kids. I have really had to be mindful on making sure the girls are not a casualty of the effect his actions have had on me. I have not always been successful and I know this because I have not always felt as plugged in as I used to, but I am now aware of it and have never felt closer to them.

        You are doing such a good job, Handsome and the kids are so lucky to have you xo

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Congrats on completing your obstacle race! I have done many of these, and nothing made me feel stronger or more empowered. When I crossed the finish line covers in mid and grit, i felt I could handle anything. Those races have served me well in my recovery. As most of my racing friends have moved or stopped racing, I have switched to other types of competitions/events. But I have a wall full of medals that remind me every day of my true strength. This addiction will not beat us! Keep up the good work!

    Liked by 1 person

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