Discovery and disclosure #1 full of lies was on December 31, 2016 after I read a very sexual email from The Elf. I was told that the pictures she referenced in the email must have been pictures of him on his work website (hmmm ya, because a head shot really gets me going…). After threatening to message her on Facebook he admitted he had sent her dick pics and she sent him pics of her. Any video’s? No never. I never believed there were no videos so I kept asking and asking and he swore on my life, no never. And who was Ms. First Name Only who was also on this email? Oh, just The Elf’s friend who was concerned for her. Well isn’t she nice. So you never had anything sexual with Mr. First Name Only? No never.
Discovery and disclosure #2 full of lies was via suicide letter that went something like this in an envelope addressed to The only Woman I have ever loved:
“I am not the man you think I am. During our entire relationship I either had women come over to my old house or I would go to their house and we would have sex and sometimes just hang out (NB, this is the term he uses for oral sex). I left you twice because I thought I was in love with 2 of the women.
You are the only woman I have ever loved, I am so sorry. I’ll love you forever.
The lie in the suicide letter was that he loved me. What he did and how he treated me was not love.
5 months later he admitted to having oral sex with Ms. First Name Only multiple times after I repeatedly asked for the truth. 8 months later he admitted to getting videos from The Elf after I repeatedly asked for the truth. I’ve squeezed the truth out of him so many times after repeatedly asking for the truth – even as recently as 2 weeks ago – I’m shocked he has anything left.
I can’t even remember all of the lies he has told to protect himself before DDays and after DDays, and really can’t stomach the anger I get when I think about it, but I can assure you, trickle truth has caused repeated trauma and has deterred rebuilding trust over and over and over. Each and every time he lied and then later told the truth, it made me question EVERYTHING again. Over and over and over. It’s also taking me longer to recover from because I’m still feeling anxiety from the revealed truths 2 weeks ago.
As I lay in bed last night sleepless, I decided I need to come to terms with a few things:
- I want the truth about EVERYTHING including every little detail. Why? because I don’t want to be in the dark, I don’t want them to have their “special secrets” (FUCK UGH) and I don’t want any new truths, and I have a right to know.
- Terms – I will never know everything and every little detail because he will continue to lie about them, and what good is it to know them anyway? It’s not going to change anything except my opinion of him even more, and it will only cause me more anger and trauma.
- I want him to speak the words of everything that he did. Why? So he can see the pain on my face.
- Terms – he’s already said he fucked and thought he was in love with other women, what more can he say? Will telling me he went down on that one 4 times instead of 2 hurt me any more or less? Or that he thought he loved 3 instead of just 2? Or that he stopped communication with that one on XX and not XX? Or that there were 11, 12, 13, women and not 10? No.
- He is still lying and lying by omission to protect himself
- Terms – he will never tell me the truth about it all. I need to trust if I am still questioning something, that what I believe to be the truth is the truth because I haven’t been wrong yet. He is 100% still lying and I know this and need to accept this in order to move on. If I can’t accept it, then move on without him. I need to trust myself .
- Throughout our 7 years together pre-discovery, all he did was lie lie lie
- Terms – He can’t change that. All he is doing is being truthful and transparent about his actions since DDays.
Can I stop pining over what I want and think I deserve, and face the reality of these new terms so I can start accepting what was and is?
I hope so.