Ripping up the old contract

Posted on by Spouse of a Sex Addict

Mr. Perfect and I had a counseling appointment on Saturday that, at my request, dug up a whole lot of shit for me. I wanted him to say certain things like “ok, having sex with a bunch of women wasn’t all painful as I have always insisted – I got boners, fantasized about them, and the blow jobs and orgasms felt really good”. I felt that by him never admitting he did what he did because it felt good, minimized my pain as in “you shouldn’t be so hurt and traumatized because the orgasms felt like someone was jamming the end of a coat hanger up my dick”. So, Dr. Feelgood made him say it. And I didn’t feel good – I went pain shopping for the rest of the day and bought the whole damn store.

Yesterday I did something incredibly freeing.

I thought about all of the negative ways I think and feel about me and my present life and situation. There are certain thoughts and feelings that bring me down and don’t serve me in my desire to be open, committed, loving, generous, brave and accepting.

Before yesterday, I had a belief (based on reading) that infidelity takes a minimum of 5 years to recover from. So, I pulled up my big girl pants and prepared to feel what I’ve been feeling for at least the next 4 years. I also believed that:

  1. I am traumatized
  2. I am a victim
  3. I am forever broken
  4. I’m disposable
  5. he couldn’t have cared if he lost me
  6. the women have something better than me
  7. he enjoyed sex with them more than with me
  8. I’ll never be enough

I’ve rightfully felt anger, rage, hurt, trauma, disrespect, fooled and disgust because he dated and fucked other women – plain and simple – and him dating and fucking other women was NOT in my plan. Guess what? I can’t control other people, and shit happens.

These beliefs allowed me to feel tied to the feelings associated with them like I was in a contract – bound by blood, for 5+ years. Who says I need to feel and believe the above for 5+ years? In 5 years I’ll be 48. In 5 years Ms. Strong-Willed will be 24 and will have graduated from University and may even be married. In 5 years Ms. Thoughtful will be 19 and possibly in University. In 5 years I may have had a serious illness and survived. In 5 years I may be dead.

5 years and POOF, this will all magically disappear from my head, body and mind? No, it doesn’t go POOF and there is no magic pill (or bottle). Does this have to take 5 years?

I believe Mr. Perfect and I have something special and I want to live a happy life with him. So what am I waiting for?

Here’s the freeing part.

I wrote those negative feelings and the 5 year “getting over it” plan on a piece of paper, stood up and ripped up the old contract that tied me to those feelings. I wrote a new contract that will enable me to be open, committed, loving, generous, brave and accepting TODAY. Change doesn’t just happen, and I will not wait 5 years. I will actively each and every day, starting today, be the person I desire to be to ensure I am in a fulfilling, happy and loving relationship. I will:

  1.  not shy away when Mr. Perfect hugs me
  2. reach out for his hand instead of him always reaching out for mine
  3. tell him that I love and miss him, because I do
  4. tell him I think he is sexy
  5. not hold back my love as a means to punish him
  6. be generous with praise
  7. not be scared
  8. live in the moment

So get out your pens and papers warriors and write a new script for your life!

36 thoughts on “Ripping up the old contract”

  2. This is a great post. It’s frightening to think you could spend the next 5 years (and possibly longer) feeling points 1 – 8. But I love the way you take a hold of it and look at the other side of the coin and choose to turn your back on those previous thoughts. Negativity, anger, revenge, insecurity, all these things are responses which, though understandable given the situation, will completely eat away at you. And if you have chosen to stay with him and make a go of things you must let go of the negative feelings otherwise why stay, otherwise you will spend the rest of your life with him and for what, so that you can hate, and be angry and be resentful and feel insecure for the rest of your life? Why would anyone do that?

    Your choice to stay is also matched by your choice to change the way you feel and that is the only way you can make it work. That is a great thing, very powerful and I think long term you will be a much better, stronger and happier person for it. Amazing.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

      1. No problem. I totally believe the route you are taking and I wholeheartedly agree with you. If things are going to improve this is the way to do it. Mentally rationalising it is really important. I do things like this all the time. You can rise above the hate. That doesn’t mean you can guarantee everything will work out, but it means you are giving it the fairest and most honest chance of succeeding and if you do stay together you can enjoy your lives together without letting negative thoughts ruin what you have. Keep reporting back. It’s great to read this. x

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Pingback: Ripping up the old contract — A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction – Confessions of a Reformed Cad

  4. You are so right that the choice to heal is up to each one of us. There is no magic formula and timeline that says we must be at a certain place in our healing at a certain time, but we do need to be on the journey! I found many breakthroughs and aha moments, like you, when I freed myself from where I thought I was supposed to be and just accepted where I was, and where I was going.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Yes, we do need to be on the journey and you’re right – we need to actually accept that we are on the journey. Resistance = Persistence.

      There will be good and bad days, I’m having a bit of the bad one today but I’m going to try to not stay there. What happened happened and it is what it is. I know what happened and it feels gross, but I don’t have to dive into it!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. Sometimes we do have to sit in the negative feelings and allow ourselves the grace to have a bad day, or a bad hour or whatever. It isn’t healthy to suppress those emotions and rush through them without processing. The main thing is to go THROUGH them and not set up camp IN them. It seems that you are beginning to find you don’t have those moments as long, or as often. Be kind to yourself today. (((Hugs)))

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You do have another choice, but you are wise enough to know making the decision to fight for yourself, rise above the situation and come out surviving and thriving is by far the better choice than the alternative. It can beat you, or you can beat it. You are winning. Even on the bad days.

        I am doing well. I’m in a stretch of good days with few, and only small, dips. Finally having sunshine and warm weather and going for evening walks is bringing my soul rejuvenation and rest.

        Liked by 2 people

      5. If someone truly chooses to heal and do recovery, time really is a factor. The saying “time heals all wounds” is bs. I heal my wounds. But, I have been doing this for 3 years now, and the intentionality of recovery and choosing to focus on my growth has become a natural lifestyle. The dips don’t come as often, or go as deep, so it is easier to refocus my thoughts. In the first year, I had to do a lot of grieving and processing. Now I can mostly say, been there, done that, don’t need to go back. Self care is great for the dips. And not necessarily just the pedicure, bubble bath type stuff. Baking cookies instead of vacuuming, having tea in the middle of the afternoon, putting up a bird feeder, dancing in the kitchen. Doing almost anything that stills your soul and thoughts and brings your heart a moment of delight.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. What a wonderful post.. its true, we can control our thoughts and ultimately our feelings. Its a hard process to get used to, but it is absolutely possible. The fact that you are looking forward is such a huge huge step. Thanks for the reminder – i find your posts so inspiring.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply

    1. Awh thank you for the kind words wonderme12 ❤

      I may not always feel positive, and that's ok. Part of this journey is going to have to be re-reading what I posted when I was feeling good.

      You've been MIA – is everything ok with you?

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply

      1. I completely understand!! I’ve been up and down but overall on a (more) positive shift lately, and hope to memorialize it with a post so that I can look back on it when needed.. kind of remind myself that hey there are good days out there indeed 🙂

        I hope those days continue to flow your way. i really resonate with so much of your writings and experiences, and am so thankful that you are able to share. I have more to share as well, hoping to get to some soon.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. More vulnerability, not less is the key to healing.

    “Do not b dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things break. And all things can b mended. Not w/time, as they say, but w/intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world waits in darkness 4 the light that is u.” – @LRKnost

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. You’re speaking my language! I love this, I had a nightmare last night that I’ve had a tough time shaking today. A hug from Mr. P, support from people here, and reading this has lightened the load. Thanks RC xo

      How are you doing?

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

      1. Good. My personal troll showed up this morning on my blog. 5 months later and, as someone joked earlier, I am his hobby. He feels entitled to harass me. My betrayals, secret-keeping and escalating series of lies makes me an easy target.

        I’m just ignoring him now. He has nothing original to add to the conversation. The only opinions that matters are C’s and mine but now that 4/22 has passed, her opinion doesn’t really matter anymore either.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No. I’m making copies of them and around one year I’ll post them all maybe. It just feeds his ego if I post them and respond.

        Last week it was three posts here and some crap on Dolly’s.

        It doesn’t matter. His opinion is irrelevant. He just wants to be part of the story and to fuel the Drama Triangle. He sees himself as the Hero.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. For me, focusing on the positive things I could do for myself has helped the most. I realize now that his SA behavior did a number on my self-esteem. At an intellectual level I got it that it wasn’t about me but about his pain, but at a deeper level, I was filled with self-doubt that wasn’t there before. That’s a terrible place to be. I decided to focus on getting in shape, mostly just as a way to try to stay sane. I also was trying to “compete,” which was ridiculous, but two and a half yrs later, now it’s for me, and I look and feel so much better. I recently saw a friend I had not seen for 3 yrs and she commented on how fit I looked and that I had lost weight.

    Recently, reading a personal history story that appeared in the New Yorker made me understand the pain of the SA in a way I never had before. The author doesn’t specifically identify as an SA in the story, but It fits. Google “The Silence: The Legacy of Childhood Trauma” by Junot Diaz. New Yorker April 2018. Pulitzer Prize winning author. What I was struck by was that the woman he loved the most and shared the most of himself with was the one he cheated on the most. Worth reading.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Oh Maggie thank you so much for the link to the article! I was just thinking this morning that I’ve lost some of my compassion for him – I really needed this message from you 🙂

      Are you still with your H? How are you 2 doing now?

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. Yes, we are still together. My H’s recovery has been very bumpy. He has not had sex with anyone but me since D day 2.5 yrs ago but there’s so much more to this. He continued to sneak and engage in other acting out behaviors until 6 mos ago. H has been sober 6 mos now. He attends meetings 4-5 x a wk, has a great sponsor, works the steps, has a CSAT therapist and a psychiatrist. I have struggled with whether to go or stay. For now, I’m here. We are older, seniors, so that influences my decision. My H also has serious health problems. We are very compatible and love each other. But. This is so difficult. It’s so hard to focus on yourself with all this shit going on but I had to find a way to do it. I also had to put firm boundaries in place.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

    1. Oh Maggie, it must have been a nightmare – I can’t imagine discovering he was still acting out and not in recovery. That is a huge fear of course, I can’t imagine and I’m so sorry.

      I don’t THINK Mr. P is acting out, but I do still have anxieties and check his phone records and check other things as well (will leave it at that, I don’t want to trigger you or anyone else). My fear is that I can’t see what he’s thinking…I wonder if he still fantasizes about them and his favorite type of porn, or about new women. How can someone just STOP an addiction cold turkey? He claims to have done this. It makes me wonder if it really was an addiction then…UGH, and the brain damage continues.

      Good for you for making sure you put your oxygen mask on first – that should always be the priority.

      What if he doesn’t toe the boundary line?

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  10. We have consequences for boundary violations. He must leave our home for a wk. He has had to leave three times in the 2.5 yrs since d day. He hates doing this and put up a fight all three times. The boundaries are to protect me and are what I will not tolerate.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  11. Pingback: 84: Exist In The Moment (One more thought) – Confessions of a Reformed Cad
  12. Pingback: His Shame | A Couples Journey of Recovery from Sex Addiction

Leave a comment