Mr. Perfect and I had a counseling appointment on Saturday that, at my request, dug up a whole lot of shit for me. I wanted him to say certain things like “ok, having sex with a bunch of women wasn’t all painful as I have always insisted – I got boners, fantasized about them, and the blow jobs and orgasms felt really good”. I felt that by him never admitting he did what he did because it felt good, minimized my pain as in “you shouldn’t be so hurt and traumatized because the orgasms felt like someone was jamming the end of a coat hanger up my dick”. So, Dr. Feelgood made him say it. And I didn’t feel good – I went pain shopping for the rest of the day and bought the whole damn store.
Yesterday I did something incredibly freeing.
I thought about all of the negative ways I think and feel about me and my present life and situation. There are certain thoughts and feelings that bring me down and don’t serve me in my desire to be open, committed, loving, generous, brave and accepting.
Before yesterday, I had a belief (based on reading) that infidelity takes a minimum of 5 years to recover from. So, I pulled up my big girl pants and prepared to feel what I’ve been feeling for at least the next 4 years. I also believed that:
- I am traumatized
- I am a victim
- I am forever broken
- I’m disposable
- he couldn’t have cared if he lost me
- the women have something better than me
- he enjoyed sex with them more than with me
- I’ll never be enough
I’ve rightfully felt anger, rage, hurt, trauma, disrespect, fooled and disgust because he dated and fucked other women – plain and simple – and him dating and fucking other women was NOT in my plan. Guess what? I can’t control other people, and shit happens.
These beliefs allowed me to feel tied to the feelings associated with them like I was in a contract – bound by blood, for 5+ years. Who says I need to feel and believe the above for 5+ years? In 5 years I’ll be 48. In 5 years Ms. Strong-Willed will be 24 and will have graduated from University and may even be married. In 5 years Ms. Thoughtful will be 19 and possibly in University. In 5 years I may have had a serious illness and survived. In 5 years I may be dead.
5 years and POOF, this will all magically disappear from my head, body and mind? No, it doesn’t go POOF and there is no magic pill (or bottle). Does this have to take 5 years?
I believe Mr. Perfect and I have something special and I want to live a happy life with him. So what am I waiting for?
Here’s the freeing part.
I wrote those negative feelings and the 5 year “getting over it” plan on a piece of paper, stood up and ripped up the old contract that tied me to those feelings. I wrote a new contract that will enable me to be open, committed, loving, generous, brave and accepting TODAY. Change doesn’t just happen, and I will not wait 5 years. I will actively each and every day, starting today, be the person I desire to be to ensure I am in a fulfilling, happy and loving relationship. I will:
- not shy away when Mr. Perfect hugs me
- reach out for his hand instead of him always reaching out for mine
- tell him that I love and miss him, because I do
- tell him I think he is sexy
- not hold back my love as a means to punish him
- be generous with praise
- not be scared
- live in the moment
So get out your pens and papers warriors and write a new script for your life!