I have written about What’s inside my betrayal survival kit (so far) but wanted to share some important things I remembered about myself, and how they have helped me.
Growing up, I always knew there was something a bit off with my Mother. She was abusive, dramatic, and petulant when she didn’t get her way and started drinking when I was about 14. She was trying to escape the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and teen, and her tantrums were the result of her not knowing how to cope because she had the mechanisms of a child, and PTSD. I love my Mother dearly, but I have a really hard time being around or talking with her. Just the other day I called her while driving with Ms. Thoughtful to school and she accused me of trying to kill her. It’s difficult to say the least.
I always recognized my Father as very insightful, and with the borderline behaviour from my Mother, he was my safe and stable place. He ingrained in my little sponge of a brain, the power of positivity, how to win friends and influence people, new thought thinking, and the law of attraction. Zig Ziglar, The Secret, and Dale Carnegie cassettes played in the car every morning on our drive to school. Over and over, every day for 13 years.
Many of the things I learned have helped me on this journey, some of them are:
- Pain and disappointment in life is guaranteed, it’s how I deal with it that will make or break me
- We all fuck up, it’s how I learn from and make amends with it that matters
- I am the director of my own movie
- I do not need to suffer
- When I forgive, I release emotional blockages that allow pain to move through me
- This is not a dress rehearsal – life is short
- Life was not meant to be a struggle
- Change does not happen on it’s own
- I can set my day by the way I think
- Life events are an opportunity for growth
- When you point your finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you (made you do it 😊)
- *Over time, you need to learn to live WITH your circumstance not IN your circumstance forever*
*I remind myself of this circumstance in this way. Mr. Perfect dug a really deep hole and disgustingly shit in it for years and years. On March 20, 2017 he threw me in that hole. It was horrendous and disgusting and I was so shocked and hurt with this secret hole. I stayed in the hole digging and inspecting his shit for several months all the while trying to keep my head up to breathe – but the truth is that I was drowning IN shit. He was watching me drown in horror and panic and tried to reach in and grab me, but I just couldn’t trust he wouldn’t lift me up half way and let go to throw me back in. I had to stay there and inspect it for a while – I had to process the pain and shit until the smell didn’t bother me as much.
A few months ago I made a very conscious decision to crawl out of that hole on my own. It was very very hard, and I was battered, dirty and looked like something the cat dragged in, but I did it. I still have pain but I now stand BESIDE the hole. I can still smell shit sometimes (triggers) when I’m reminded of what I found in that hole, but I can’t dive into that shit again.*