Clawing my way out of the shit

I have written about What’s inside my betrayal survival kit (so far) but wanted to share some important things I remembered about myself, and how they have helped me.

Growing up, I always knew there was something a bit off with my Mother. She was abusive, dramatic, and petulant when she didn’t get her way and started drinking when I was about 14. She was trying to escape the sexual abuse she suffered as a child and teen, and her tantrums were the result of her not knowing how to cope because she had the mechanisms of a child, and PTSD. I love my Mother dearly, but I have a really hard time being around or talking with her. Just the other day I called her while driving with Ms. Thoughtful to school and she accused me of trying to kill her. It’s difficult to say the least.

I always recognized my Father as very insightful, and with the borderline behaviour from my Mother, he was my safe and stable place. He ingrained in my little sponge of a brain, the power of positivity, how to win friends and influence people, new thought thinking, and the law of attraction. Zig Ziglar, The Secret, and Dale Carnegie cassettes played in the car every morning on our drive to school. Over and over, every day for 13 years.

Many of the things I learned have helped me on this journey, some of them are:

  1. Pain and disappointment in life is guaranteed, it’s how I deal with it that will make or break me
  2. We all fuck up, it’s how I learn from and make amends with it that matters
  3. I am the director of my own movie
  4. I do not need to suffer
  5. When I forgive, I release emotional blockages that allow pain to move through me
  6. This is not a dress rehearsal – life is short
  7. Life was not meant to be a struggle
  8. Change does not happen on it’s own
  9. I can set my day by the way I think
  10. Life events are an opportunity for growth
  11. When you point your finger at someone, there are 3 fingers pointing back at you (made you do it 😊)
  12. *Over time, you need to learn to live WITH your circumstance not IN your circumstance forever*

*I remind myself of this circumstance in this way. Mr. Perfect dug a really deep hole and disgustingly shit in it for years and years. On March 20, 2017 he threw me in that hole. It was horrendous and disgusting and I was so shocked and hurt with this secret hole. I stayed in the hole digging and inspecting his shit for several months all the while trying to keep my head up to breathe – but the truth is that I was drowning IN shit. He was watching me drown in horror and panic and tried to reach in and grab me, but I just couldn’t trust he wouldn’t lift me up half way and let go to throw me back in. I had to stay there and inspect it for a while – I had to process the pain and shit until the smell didn’t bother me as much.

A few months ago I made a very conscious decision to crawl out of that hole on my own. It was very very hard, and I was battered, dirty and looked like something the cat dragged in, but I did it. I still have pain but I now stand BESIDE the hole. I can still smell shit sometimes (triggers) when I’m reminded of what I found in that hole, but I can’t dive into that shit again.*

 

12 thoughts on “Clawing my way out of the shit

  1. Wow, if you are seriously doing this well after just over a year from D-day, hats off to you my secret friend. June marks 3 years since my husband disclosed the black hole he started digging as a child and the shit is disgusting. I’m doing pretty well most of the time but there are times when I look at him and ask myself, “WTF” am I doing with this guy? I mean, after all, he led a seriously f-up life for more than the years of my marriage (39) and I am the one who ends up with PTSD????? How can that be right? How come he didn’t just have a stroke or heart attack or just kill himself so I would never know? I know without a doubt that he is very clear on how he gets to stay in my life but I honestly was completely blindsided by his disclosure. How many times have we read about people like our spouses who “look so normal” only to find out they had a monster living inside of them that they could not control or evict?

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    1. Thank you darling, it’s minute by minute sometimes as you know. I write the positive as I feel it so I can reread it when I’m having a tough moment. I went back in the hole today, we had counselling – it hurts but I know it’s temporary if I can get back out.

      I can relate with the who was this guy shock. It’s so traumatizing but all I can believe is he wasn’t my guy, I know my guy – THAT guy was dark, empty, disgusting and selfish. My guy is not THAT guy; he was, but he’s not anymore. If I let myself stay there I will be stuck and in pain and I will never heal. I just can’t do that and have a happy life with him. I would imagine your H does actually some form of trauma and that is why he acted out, and if he didn’t before, he does now. Not comparable to yours however. He caused all of it.

      Don’t get me wrong, I definitely dip my toes in that hole, I’m not totally beside it 100% of the time just yet. Slowly.

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      1. All I know is that as of 18 months I was still sick to my stomach most of the time and struggling to make sense of my life. Initially I had individual counseling and then we had some couples counseling but I think that was premature. I had to “trust” that the boundaries I put in place would be honored and that he would maintain his “sobriety” around porn, masterbation and prostitutes. I consulted an attorney early on to get legal advice on my rights. That helped. I hated this man with all my heart for the longest time. Sometimes I still feel that hate feeling intensely but those are few and far between. Oh, yes, after D-day and his counseling he finally admitted to me that his early life sucked and he told me about the terrible things that he endured. His parents were not attentive and his father was pretty brutal but his mother was a narcissist with her own problems. His parents had an “open” marriage so he saw infidelity up close. Even after we met and married I would tell him that his mother was a slut because she continued to sleep with married men. Ugh. Little did I know. He and I took mindfulness classes and learned meditation. I continue to see a therapist but he has stopped, feeling like he has his thoughts under control. He did read a book about overcoming sex addiction written by George Collins and feels that was a major breakthrough in his life and mindset. Honestly, he still has some suicidal thoughts at times and he tells me he has a hard time looking in the mirror every day. Time has given me perspective and the ability to really think about my life. When I face triggers (US news every day, driving past adult businesses, seeing Asian massage parlors, etc) I focus on that brief moment between the stimulus and my response. As I “feel” that trigger or thought I visualize rapidly climbing a tall mountain peak where I know I will explode in rage but as I get to the top I look around at the beautiful scenery and listen to the quiet and just breathe until I feel I can come down the other side with my rage in control. I remind myself that this was not about me and that he is a truly messed up adult who is doing a good job of untangling his history and that he is very, very clear about his options with me. Like many SA’s he says he never wanted to hurt me, did not know how to quit, felt like a terrible person, was reactive to everything in life and unlike some guys, he quit cold turkey because he thought he had AIDS from his last encounter with a whore. I really do think that was his true bottom and he could not hide from himself anymore. When he told me he thought he had AIDS, I thought I was going to die. I hoped he would. We are building a new life together in a new home, in a new state and making new friends. Just the other day I told him how much I loved my new life and the fact that my new house is not tainted by his sordid past. I told him that I wanted this house to stay untainted by his former habits and he agreed. I’m going to sell the other house within a couple of years because in my mind, he probably watched porn, found his CL whores and jerked off in all the rooms including our bed. It’s just gotta go as did his entire wardrobe. My original wedding rings are in the safe, waiting to be sold. He had a lovely story about buying our rings but since he wore them as he fondled his whores I told them they were tainted and I told him never ever to talk about them again. When this first happened he yelled that they were just a hunk of metal so I threw that back at him many times. I made him take off his ring right away and told him he would never touch my body wearing a ring I put on his had that he then ran all over whores. Yuck. I’ll never love him like I did before in that innocent, trusting way but I find that I can enjoy his company and appreciate the comfort of a lot of things we have shared over almost 40 years. We have fun together but I’ll never fully trust him again. I’m OK with that at the moment. I take it one day at a time.

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      2. Wow Marie, that is a lot you have worked through – I know it’s ongoing but I think you’ve done so much hard work.

        Did he stop acting out on his own or did you catch him and then he disclosed everything to you? Did he attempt suicide? That’s a messed up childhood for sure – definitely no excuse for his actions, but it does explain some pretty fucked up things.

        I also threw out some of his clothes, all of his underwear and socks. Both were huge triggers for me.

        It sounds like you’re very connected to each other – do you feel you have gained anything from this experience? i.e. recognizing your strength, compassion, more connection, forgiveness? I know it’s hard to see any good, but it is there.

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  2. I love your analogy. It really works. It is up to each of us to not only crawl out of the pit on our own, but to choose to wash the shit off ourselves as well. Because even if our husbands clean up their shit, it doesn’t clean up what was dumped on us. Two different piles, two different people. You understand the importance of doing your own personal healing and recovery, and I appreciate your efforts in spreading the message that it is necessary and possible!

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  3. In response to your question. My husband was very sick for a couple of months after his last whore visit and evidently there was some non-condom contact with his c*ck and when he googled “AIDS” he had all the symptoms. He had been seeing a doctor regularly for he respiratory condition, raging fevers, etc and had an appointment with his doctor on a Monday. On Sunday for whatever reason, he decided to tell me that he thought he had AIDS because he had been buying sex for years and he planned to tell his doctor so he could get tested. OMG I cannot even begin to tell you how my very own, “Mr. Pence, Mr. Holier than Thou, Mr. Clean cut military officer, Mr. all around good guy” dissolved before my eyes and turned into a disgusting pathetic piece of shit in my eyes. It took months of trickle truths for me to get the bigger picture and even a month ago he lied to me and within a minute came back and told me the truth. I just know that I will never trust him with my heart again. I’ll be fine if he died. I did not tell anyone for the longest time. I wanted to protect my adult kids and grandkids and I monitor his behavior around the grandkids like a hawk. He thinks I am “sick” for thinking he might molest them but I told him that his whore of choice was young Asian girls and he made me sick with his perversion. Our daughter is Chinese and he was fucking girls younger than her. Honestly I have to stop typing because I’m about to rage and that is not good. I just see him as such a pervert sometimes. We both got tested and were cleared but in late February I found a suspicious lump on my labia and that is how I found out about the lie of his first “affair” 35 years ago with a single woman from work. Spent the night with her once and let her suck him off the second time. Said he was disgusted and never saw her again. Lied to me when I asked about that and quickly told me he never used a condom back then. He wanted to know why I was so bent on “hurting myself” with the information and I told him, ” I have to see a fucking doctor because I may have a STD and he will ask me about my sexual history. Don’t you think I should have the truth about your fucking escapades? How do you think I feel having to tell my doctor that I’m married to a guy who fucks whores?” Ugh. I’m afraid this will never end, never fade from my mind, never allow me to have peace.

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    1. Oh Marie, I wish I could give you a big hug right now – big deep breath hun. I am so angry for you, and with you and I really hope you’re not still triggered.

      I love it (NOT) when I ask Mr. Perfect a question and his response is “I don’t know how this is going to help you”…UMMMM how was fucking other women going to help me?? None of it makes sense, there is no explanation that will ever make us go “ohhhhhh that’s why” – but the fact is that we can ask whatever and whenever. It’s disgusting, disturbing, horrific and abusive to us and we need to know what went on in our lives without our knowledge or consent and especially because our health has been put at risk. I really hope the lump is not an STD or something more serious.

      I am so so so sorry and I hope you can find peace Marie, and I certainly hope this doesn’t last forever.

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